This week, Friday Night Bitch Fight kicks off in a big way, with our new Universal Champion,
Kevin Owens, making his way down to the ring. He's traded in his athletic shorts and smelly sleeveless shirt for a suit, and he even trimmed down his patchy beard. He begins to make his first address as the new face of FNBF, but it isn't long until he's interrupted by
Tiffany, and the Mistress of Mischief makes her way down to the ring with a mic of her own. Tiffany says that Owens can start by thanking her, because she basically controls the fate of who's champion around here, and her résumé speaks for itself. "I managed those
losers, The Primetime Players, to a Tag Team Championship, did I not?" she asks the BP Universe. "And I managed that has-been, Dolph Ziggler, to a World Heavyweight Championship, did I not?" she asks them again. Behind her, Kevin Owens rolls his eyes. "And I even managed a nobody like EC3 to the Universal Championship, did I not?" she asks again, this time directing her question to Kevin Owens. "Yes!" he emphatically answers, tired of hearing her voice. "And now, you can dedicate that Universal title to me, because I'm the one who helped you win it in the first place. Did. I. Not?" she asks, stepping toe-to-toe with Owens. The two stare each other down, but after a beat, cheers ring throughout the arena, because
Ethan Carter III's theme hits. EC3 tells Owens that there's no need to thank Tiffany for helping him win the Universal title, because he wont be holding it for long. "And as for you, toots." EC3 says, turning his attention to Tiffany. "Instead of worrying about us and who has the Universal title," he says, gesturing between himself and Owens. "Shouldn't you be looking for some old millionaire to widow?" he asks to cheers. "Billionaire." Tiffany coolly corrects him. "And you're right, I should, since I've already taken everything from you." she tells him. "But I guess in the meantime, I can always pawn this." she smiles, flaunting the engagement ring she still has on, right in front of his face. EC3 narrows his eyes at Tiffany as she fans her hair out and spins on her heel, strutting away from her ex with nothing more to say. But he isn't done, and he yanks her back by her weave! Tiffany fights wildly to escape his grasp, but it's no use, and EC3 pulls his fist back to cheers; but he stops himself. He can't go through with it, and his hesitation allows Kevin Owens to strike him from behind with the Universal title. Tiffany collects herself when EC3 falls to the mat in a heap, and after milking his heat, Owens addresses her. "You're right, Tiffany. I couldn't have done it without you." he smiles. "And thanks for the makeover, as well. I look great." he adds, straightening out his sports coat. "I can't believe it! These two baited EC3 out here. This was all a set-up!"
Tom Phillips realizes. "How masterful!"
Corey Graves laughs, loving every facet of their unholy alliance. Owens holds the ropes for Tiffany and together they make their exit as EC3 begins to stir in the ring. She raises his hand as they back up the ramp, before we fade out to our first commercial break.
When we return,
Tony Nese is standing in the ring with a mic, and when his music dies down, he says that he's out here because he wants off of that sinking ship of a Cruiserweight division, so he's issuing an open challenge to anyone in the back who's man enough to take on The Premier Athlete, and he'll give them to the count of . . . 10. 🌚
Tye Dillinger answers the call, and The Perfect 10 makes his way down to the ring, hyping up the crowd. Tony Nese isn't threatened by Dillinger though, and he certainly doesn't consider him a Perfect 10, and he lets him know this by flexing his bicep, which in his opinion (
and mine!), is much nicer than Tye's. But Tye doesn't think so, and he surprises Tony by snapmaring him onto his ass and cartwheeling in front of him, holding up 10 fingers in front of his face. This enrages Nese, and a fast paced, hard hitting match ensues. After wowing the BP Universe with their exciting offense, Dillinger manages to put Nese away with the Tye Breaker, showing Tony that he may be a Premier Athlete, but he's no 10.
Backstage,
McKenzie Mitchell is standing by with the Women's Champion,
Nikki Bella, and her new fiancé,
John Cena. "Nikki, I have to ask you -" McKenzie begins before Nikki interrupts her. "That's right!" Nikki beams, shrugging excitedly. "My man
finally proposed! Didn't you, love?" Nikki looks over her shoulder to ask Cena, who smiles down at her before the two share a small kiss. "Now, I know you want all the juicy details about how he did it, but you're just gonna have to watch the season finale of Totally Bellas to find out." Nikki tells her, smirking coyly. "Uh . . . actually, I wanted to ask you about your mixed tag match tonight against the Flairs." McKenzie tells her, shooting a yikes look into the camera. "Oh." Nikki rolls her eyes, disappointed and annoyed. "Well I'm not worried about Charlotte
or her dad. In fact,
Charlotte should be worried
for her dad, because he's so old I'd hate for him to break a hip or have a heart attack out there." Nikki says, grimacing when she realizes that's a very real possibility, before shrugging. "But anyways, I guess that means Charlotte will have to wrestle the match all on her own. Which is fine by me, because then, I'll just show her why I'm the woman John Cena wants to marry." Nikki laughs accomplishedly to herself, absentmindedly playing with her hair as she walks off daydreaming about their wedding, with Cena in tow. McKenzie watches them leave with a confused expression on her face, before looking back into the camera, and then back to Cena and Nikki, still trying to figure out what tf that means.
Next up, it's time for women's action, and this time when the lights dim, a blue moon appears on the tron.
Ember Moon makes her way out onto the stage with a new White Walker look; more befitting FNBF's color scheme. She enters the ring and awaits her opponent, and it's our newest addition to the roster:
Laurel Van Ness! As she makes her way down the ramp,
Corey Graves informs us that the spoiled daddy's girl is wearing a Gucci belt and Jimmy Choo wrestling boots - which is somehow relevant to this match. When she enters the ring, LVN strikes a pose and presses her finger to her lips, revealing a
Shh tattoo on the side of her finger. The official calls for the bell and Laurel presents her hand for Ember Moon to kiss. Ember looks from Laurel, to the BP Universe, then back to Laurel. And she rears back and forearms the 💩 out of her! One glance at these women and Ember Moon would be the obvious favorite to win here, but Laurel proves to be more than meets the eye when Ember climbs up top, looking to hit the Eclipse. Laurel shoves the official into the ropes, causing Ember to slip. She then grabs Ember's hair and flips her onto her back. And just as Ember is slowly beginning to pick herself up, Laurel puts her back down with a Curb Stomp, scoring an impressive victory in her FNBF debut.
Backstage, we see a blonde leaning forward against a crate as she looks over some papers a PA is showing her; her hair concealing the side of her face.
James Ellsworth walks up from behind, and when he sees her, he does a double take. "Carmella!" He exclaims with wide eyes. "Damn, baby girl. You aren't missin' ANY meals!" Ellsworth says, biting down on his bottom lip and wishing it was that booty. The only problem is: that's not Carmella. Slowly,
Maryse turns around; an incensed expression on her face. Ellsworth instantly turns red, but as he tries to stammer an apology for the mix up, Maryse slaps the 💩 out of him and begins berating him in French. Ellsworth is trying to shush her and calm her down, but before he can,
The Miz appears. "What's going on here?" he asks Maryse, who hasn't stopped to take a breath. Whatever she's saying, The Miz understands her, because his expression changes from shock to anger as he turns on Ellsworth. "You son of a -" The Miz hauls off and punches Ellsworth, and the two start brawling. Well, The Miz starts brawling; Ellsworth takes to the fetal position.
Carmella appears now and tries to break things up, but she's throttled by Maryse for her troubles, and we cut back to the ring as FNBF personnel try to pull the "It" Couple off of Carmella and James Ellsworth.
Next,
Billy Gunn's theme hits to a pop, and he makes his way out on stage with his son,
Brandon. Brandon's traded in his attire for one that matches Billy's, but where the back of Billy's trunks read Mr. Ass, Brandon's read Mr. Ass Jr., and he's wearing one of his dad's shirts, cut into a crop top. As they make their way down to the ring, we're shown a video of them making up for lost time, earlier today in the park. Brandon and Billy are seen buying a couple of hot dogs from a hot dog cart, and as they turn away, Brandon deepthroats his hot dog and takes a huge bite, and Billy's eyes widen at the visual, but he quickly shakes his head, dismissing the thought that his little boy might be a ho. Billy is wearing compression shorts, an unbuttoned baseball jersey, and a baseball hat, while Brandon is wearing very short gym shorts, a baseball tee, tube socks and Nikes, and a backwards hat. "All right, son. Are you more of a pitcher, or a catcher?" Billy asks Brandon as they walk through the park, finishing their hot dogs. "What?!" Brandon asks, snapping his head in Billy's direction. "Doh!" Billy groans, smacking his forehead like he should already know this. "Of course! You're
obviously a catcher." he apologizes. Brandon looks very discomforted by this conversation, but he finally gets it when Billy pulls a baseball and a couple of gloves out from behind his back. "Ohh!" Brandon realizes, taking a glove from Billy and slipping it on, jogging out onto the field. "All right, son. You might wanna run a little further out, I tend to go long!
Real long!" Billy calls after him. "And let me know if I come in too hard, all right?" he shouts after him again, before tossing the ball. The video ends on that double entendre, and we return to find Brandon and Billy standing back to back - or rather, ass to ass - on the ring apron. They both lean slowly underneath the top rope, and once they're in the ring, their music is replaced by
Burke's, but after he and
Noam Dar step out on stage, accompanied by
Dana Brooke and
Alicia Fox, he tells production to cut the music, because he's got something to say:
"Stop the presses, there's a new team on the scene.
First match together, but we already a well oiled machine!
Brandon and Billy, goin' down faster than a submarine.
Shout out to Ice Cube, cause you boys bout to get fucked with no Vaseline!
Father and son reunited, pass me the tissues.
Brandon used to be cool, now he's a lil bitch with daddy issues!
And Billy, I used to watch you every week on Monday Night RAW.
But now you need to give it up, you're one old ass Outlaw!
Dana n' Alicia in our corner, that's some perfect DNA.
It's like we've got two Trish's, that's that double T&A!
We're just two studs from Scotland, you could even say we're flawless.
Slicker than Sean Connery, with braver hearts than William Wallace!
Noam and I just tell it like it is, we don't mean to be too crass.
But we about to body Brandon, and stick our foots up Mr. Ass!"
Burke drops his mic and he and
Noam Dar slide into the ring, and as the match gets underway,
Tom Phillips introduces
Jason and
Seth Rollins on commentary. "Finally!" Jason says, clearly annoyed that between Burke's rap and Brandon and Billy's video, it took so long for them to be introduced. "We're
only the Tag Team Champions!" he rolls his eyes. Speaking of the titles, Tom says that last week, Jason called for, erm, "stiffer" competition, and these are two of the teams who answered the call, and he asks Jason how he feels about them. "Bored." Jason bluntly answers him. As the match continues, Jason even yawns, and he gets so bored that he purposely knocks a pen off of the table. "Whoops!" he exclaims, reaching for his headset. "Let me go get that." With a sly smile, Jason crawls under the table. Tom tries to question Seth Rollins about how he'd prepare for either team, but he's interrupted by a gasp from Seth. As Tom's question trails off, Seth leans back in his chair and rests his hands behind his head. "Shit . . ." he mutters, closing his eyes and smiling. We hear some slurping and sucking happening from somewhere off camera, and beside him,
Corey Graves arches an eyebrow and leans over, trying to see what's going on under that table. Back in the ring,
Billy Gunn hits Noam Dar with a gutbuster, and Seth attempts to call the action. "Ouch! That looked like it . . . feels
sooo good." he moans, licking his lip. "I meant hurt!" he corrects himself, shaking his head in an attempt to stay focused, but it doesn't appear to work, because he bites his bottom lip and smirks, rubbing his hand up his stomach and across his chest. Back in the ring, Burke tries to enter the fray, but
Brandon cuts him off with a kick to the gut and whips him into the corner. Billy charges at Burke and hits him with a Stinger splash, which causes him to drop into a seated position in the corner, and then Billy hypes the crowd up by pointing to the corner the way he would point to Road Dogg during their entrance spiel, and the audience cheers when they realize what this means. Brandon pulls his trunks into a wedgie and struts towards Burke, and when Burke realizes what's coming, he throws his head back and whines pitifully, accepting his fate, which is a face full of Asstastic. The minute Brandon's ass touches Burke's face, Seth really seems to get into the match, because he starts moaning uncontrollably. "Oh fuck yeah!" he groans through gritted teeth, grunting over and over again before finally sighing; spent. When Brandon is done twerking on Burke's face, Burke rolls out of the ring and into the arms of
Dana Brooke, wiping his face on her bosom, which leaves Noam Dar in the ring to be put away by a Famouser. Tom tries to carry on with his duties by getting Seth's thoughts on Brandon and Billy Gunn getting the win, but Seth once again interrupts him. Standing up, he re-buttons his pants and thanks the commentators for having him. He says it's been great, but he's gotta go. Behind him, Jason finally re-emerges from underneath the table, and he's grinning from ear to ear. He wipes something from the side of his mouth and sucks it off of his fingertip, shrugging cheerfully into the camera before following Seth, while Brandon and Billy celebrate their win in the ring with a hug before leaving as well.
Alicia Fox is concerned as she enters the ring and kneels down to check on Noam Dar, helping him to his feet, and Burke and Dana Brooke enter the ring to join them. Burke is still wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and trying to spit the taste of Brandon's ass off of his tongue, but Dana marches right over to them and shoves Alicia aside to get in Noam's face. "Uh oh . . . I wouldn't do that if I were her!"
Byron Sexton warns Dana. Dana points her finger in Noam's face, blaming him for their loss, and she even pokes him in the chest several times, while Burke stands over her shoulder, nodding in agreement. Before Noam can speak up for himself, Alicia steps between them and bites the finger Dana is pointing in Noam's face! Dana yanks her finger away and clutches her hand to her chest, looking over her shoulder at Burke in alarm, like she just got nipped by a dog. Burke tries to step to Alicia and defend his girl, but he receives an enzuigiri from Noam Dar for his troubles! While Burke rolls under the bottom rope, Alicia pretends to jump at Dana and she also scurries out of the ring. Burke and Dana are quick to retreat, looking shook af while a crazed Alicia invites them back into the ring for more.
We take it to the back again, where this time
McKenzie Mitchell is standing by with
Charlotte Flair. McKenzie asks Charlotte how she feels about teaming up with her dad for the first time ever tonight, but as soon as Charlotte opens her mouth to answer her, someone WOO's SO loudly from off-camera, and Charlotte stops to lick her top lip, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath as her dad,
Ric Flair, struts into frame. Ric starts shooting into the camera on John Cena and Nikki Bella, but it's all pretty unintelligible, before WOO'ing several times into the camera, then turning and WOO'ing in McKenzie's face, and leaving just as quickly as he came. Throwing her head back, Charlotte groans, before stomping after him. "DAD!" she calls after him from off-camera, as McKenzie watches them for a moment, before looking back into the camera and shrugging.
Next up, it's time for six-man Cruiserweight action, and the babyface team of
Jesse Sorensen and
Cedric Alexander, lead by
T.J. Perkins, make their way out first.
Brian Kendrick's theme hits next, and he's flanked by
Austin Aries and
Neville. The Cruiserweights put on some flashy offense that the fans who haven't gotten up to go to the bathroom enjoy, and the finish is a bit of a spot when all six men find themselves in the ring. Jesse Sorensen reverses a brainbuster from Austin Aries into a small package, T.J. Perkins counters a frankensteiner from Neville into a bridge pin, and Cedric Alexander school boys Brian Kendrick when he attempts to hit The Kendrick, and all three babyfaces score the collective victory for their team. Yay!
It's now time for our main event, and the team of
Charlotte Flair and
Ric Flair make their way out onto the stage to the tune of Charlotte's theme. Charlotte tries to do her pose at the top of the ramp, but her father bumps past her and begins strutting to the ring. "DAAAAD!" Charlotte rolls her eyes, going after him. He opens his robe and wiggles his hips suggestively at a young woman in the front row, but when she makes it clear that she's repulsed and covers her young son's eyes, Ric gets mad and rears back with his fist, but luckily, Charlotte intervenes, catching his fist before he can throw it. "DAD!" she shouts again, more impatiently this time, but Ric just pushes her off of him and makes his way to the ring. Charlotte tries to herd him towards the steel steps, but he ignores her, opting instead to dangerously pull himself up onto the ring apron by the ropes. Standing on the bottom steel step, Charlotte stops and runs her fingers through her hair, taking a deep breath and sighing. Once she's finally got him the ring,
Nikki Bella's theme hits, and the Women's Champion struts out on stage with her fiancé,
John Cena. (
Dirt sheets report that Nikki exaggerated the extent of her neck injury to get out of appearing on FNBF last week so she could go on a press tour for their engagement, but you didn't hear it from me. 🌚) Charlotte and Nikki start off the match, while Cena and Flair take their places on the ring apron. Flair is still wearing his robe and doesn't even seem to know where he is, which
Byron Saxton stifles a laugh at, but
Corey Graves doesn't see what's so funny. Eventually, Nikki starts to get the upper hand and Charlotte makes a quick escape to her corner to tag out to her dad, and the audience pops as Flair dramatically throws his robe down, WOO's, enters the ring, and starts running the ropes. Charlotte's head slumps forward as she watches this; exacerbated. Cena enters the ring and has a laugh about having to mix it up with a 68-year-old man, but when he approaches Flair to lock up, Flair lights his ass up with a chop instead. The referee circles around Flair and I guess gets too close for comfort, because Flair then chops him, too! This brings Charlotte into the ring to wrangle in her father, but when she walks up on him from behind, he spins around and chops his own daughter! Flair even takes a swipe at Nikki Bella, but she crosses her arms over her precious implants and hops down from the ring apron, so he just WOO's down at her instead. Flair turns around and gets hoisted onto John Cena's shoulders, and Charlotte scrambles to her feet and runs to her father's aid, but Nikki slides into the ring and cuts her off, hoisting Charlotte onto her shoulders as well. Nikki and Cena plant Charlotte and Ric with a simultaneous Rack Attack 2.0 and Attitude Adjustment, covering them both for the win. With the Flairs sprawled out at their feet, John and Nikki share a kiss and he begins to take his leave from the ring with Nikki following behind him, absentmindedly admiring her ring, when the ref passes her the Women's Championship. "What? Oh." Nikki giggles, nearly forgetting about it. She poses with the title as the camera zooms in on it, but she's mostly's going out of her way to make sure her ring is in the shot, as we fade out to close our show.
And RVD probably is too dumb to realise how fucked up it all is.
And RVD probably is too dumb to realise how fucked up it all is.
