No Fatties Allowed Episode 60!
Our show kicks off with
Sable in the ring. "
Mick Foley, get your fat ass out here! You've got some serious explaining to do!" Foley walks out onto the stage, and into the ring. "Mick, I think you've taken one too many chair shots to the head, because you must be insane to book our BP World Champion in a handicap match." "You're right, Sable, I am insane... Insanely happy to be back home, right here in New York City!" "Foley, the Board of Directors have given me the power to punish you. So, until you embrace the
PROGRESS way of life, you're suspended!" "Oh, I know that already. The Board of Directors already called me to tell me the news, however before they did that, I already booked three matches for tonight. First up,
Alberto Del Rio will defend his BP United States Championship against
Jayzero. Secondly,
Drew McIntyre will defend his BP European Championship against
Brandon. And our main event will see
Burke defend his BP World Championship against
THE Tarrynator. Have a nice day!" Security then escort Foley out of the building as Sable is left in the ring with an OTT look of anger on her face.
Disco Inferno is backstage with BP World Champion
Burke. "Burke, what are your thoughts on having to defend your World Championship against
THE Tarrynator tonight?" Burke snatches the microphone from the Disco Dancing Fool, "I don't want to talk about Tarrynator. He's irrelevant, whilst I'm on the cusp of celebrity. I've finished shooting a movie called '18 Holes' in which I play the lead role. It's about a police officer, who's girlfriend is kidnapped by a criminal that he put away. The only way he can save his girlfriend is to complete 18 tasks set by the kidnapper. The twist is that all this takes place on a golf course, hence the title '18 Holes'. Keep an eye out for it later this year, not that you'll miss, because this is the greatest movie ever made." Burke winks at the camera, puts on a pair of sunglasses, and walks away. Hollywood is already going to the head of Burke.
Tiarnán is shown walking backstage, when suddenly he's attacked by
Goldberg. Goldberg mounts Tiarnán, and punches him straight in the left eye. Goldberg already damaged Tiarnán's right eye, which is the reason he has to wear a protective mask, but Goldberg obviously wants to take out the other one. Tiarnán screams in pain, whilst Goldberg begins to walk away. EMTs start to arrive on the scene, and they help Tiarnán to his feet, Goldberg then runs towards Tiarnán, and hits him with the Spear. Goldberg then finally walks away having done enough damage.
BP Women's Tag Team Champions
Velvet Sky &
Angelina Love, and the BP Women's Champion
Lacey Von Erich make their way to the ring. Velvet takes a microphone from ringside, "
Kelly Kelly, get out here, so we can finish you once and for all!"
The Beautiful People wait in the ring as Kelly's music hits the speakers. Kelly walks out onto the stage, and then signals to the back.
Brooke Tessmacher then joins her on the stage. The two women exchange a look, before signalling to the back again.
Layla makes her NFA return, and joins her friends on the stage. The reformed
Exteme Exposé stare down The Beautiful People from the stage. There's a strange atmosphere in the arena, as everybody realises they're seeing something special. Exteme Exposé then storm down the ramp and into the ring. The Beautiful People bail from the ring, and exit through the crowd. Kelly picks up Velvet's microphone, "Hey, where are you going? I thought you wanted a fight? Well, you wanted a fight, and now you've got one. The Beautiful People vs. Exteme Exposé at
The World's Greatest Tournament in a Winners Take All Match!" The crowd errupts as Exteme Exposé proceed to perform a strip tease for the audience.
The Divas of Doom (
Beth Phoenix &
Natalya) are in the ring awaiting the arrival of their opponents.
Jessica is the first of their opponents, and
Tiffany is the second. The ring announcer informs the audience and the competitors that this match now a tornado tag team match. Jessica & Tiffany run towards Beth & Natalya, and hit duel Lou Thesz Presses. The two former BP Women's Champions have a game of one upwomanship by trying to outdo each other. Jessica hits a Suplex on Beth, whilst Tiffany hits a Suplex on Natalya. Tiffany connects with a dropkick on Natalya, whilst Jessica also connects with a dropkick on Beth. Jessica drops Beth with the Sofa Plex, Tiffany shrugs her shoulders, and hits Natalya with the Bitch Slap. Tiffany locks in the Butt Nekkid Choke, which Jessica tries to outdo with the Couch Recliner. Both members of the Divas of Doom tap out, but nobody is sure which one tapped first. We go to a replay, and we see that Beth tapped out a split second before Natalya, which means Jessica got the win for her team. Tiffany and Jessica stare each other down, until Tiffany pushes her palm into the face of Jessica, before leaving the ring.
World's Funkiest Man &
'Sexual Chocolate' Mark Henry make their way to the ring accompanied by
The Funkettes.
Air Boom (
Kofi Kingston &
Evan Bourne) are out next. The two teams shake hands, before going at it. Bourne starts out against WFM, which sees WFM get the upperhand. World's Funkiest Man clotheslines Bourne to the mat, and follows it up with the World's Funkiest Splash. Bourne kicks out of WFS, and stumbles back to his feet. WFM grabs hold of Bourne's ankle, but Bourne fights out, and hits a jumping knee to the jaw of World's Funkiest Man. Bourne gets the hot tag to Kofi, whilst WFM tags in Sexual Chocolate. Kofi chops Henry's chest, which has little effect. Kofi continues to chop at Mark Henry before hitting him with a basement dropkick. Henry drops to his knees, which allows Kofi to get a few shots in on Henry's head. Mark Henry blocks a kick, and lifts Kingston up for the World's Strongest Slam. Kofi fights out, and hits the Trouble in Paradise. Henry stumbles backwards, but he's not off of his feet yet. Kofi hits the Trouble in Paradise again, but Henry's still not off of his feet. Kofi grabs hold of Sexual Chocolate, and hits the SOS for the win. The two teams shake hands at the end of the match, it's nice to see a bit of good sportsmanship once in a while.
Brandon makes his way to the ring for the first of our three championship matches tonight. The BP European Champion
Drew McIntyre is out next, and he has
David Otunga in his corner. McIntyre enters the ring, whilst Otunga climbs onto the apron with a microphone. However, before Otunga can say a word, Brandon pushes him off of the apron. The referee calls for the bell, and our European Championship match kicks off. Drew gets Brandon in a headlock, and parades around the ring showing off, the crowd claps their hands to give Brandon some encouragement. Brandon hits a back suplex to escape from the hold. Brandon throws McIntyre into the corner to attempt Asstastic. Drew gets a foot in the way, which stops the devastating maneuver from connecting. Drew then hooks up the Future Shock, but Brandon fights out, and follows up with the Weapon of Ass Destruction for the win. Brandon celebrates with the BP European Championship as he realises he's just completed the BP Grand Slam.
European Invasion (
Magnus &
René Duprée) make their way to the ring for a tag team match. The NEW BP Tag Team Champions
The Party Boyz (
Jason &
Zack Ryder) are out next to a huge ovation from the live crowd. Ryder starts the match by challenging Duprée to a fist pump competition. The French Phenom politely declines, but Long Island Iced Z isn't taking no for an answer. Ryder steps into the center of the ring, and does his very best fist pump, he then invites Duprée to have a go. Duprée steps into the center of the ring, but doesn't fist pump, instead he treats the audience to a real dance, The French Tickler! René Duprée takes a bow, before clotheslining the head off of Ryder. René then treats the audience to another French Tickler, this time using it as an offensive move. Duprée locks in the Bonne Nuit on Ryder, before slamming him to the mat. Duprée lifts Ryder for the Duprée, but Zack Ryder fights out, and makes the tag to Jason. Duprée scrambles to the other side of the ring to tag in Magnus. Jason springboards into the ring, but Magnus catches him in the Tormentum position, and drives him to the mat for the win.
Sable walks out onto the stage after the match, "This Sunday on PPV, The Party Boyz will defend their titles against European Invasion,
Air Boom, and the team of
World's Funkiest Man &
'Sexual Chocolate' Mark Henry in a TLC Match!"
BP United States Champion
Alberto Del Rio makes his way to the ring on foot. He stands on the ramp and shouts abuse at
Ricardo Rodriguez, it sounds like he's asking where Ricardo parked the car. Suddenly a car horn is heard, and
Jayzero's music hits the speakers. We hear a car revving, and outcomes Jayzero in Alberto Del Rio's Rolls Royce Phantom Coupé. Jayzero speeds down the ramp, narrowly missing Del Rio. Jayzero gets out of the Rolls Royce, and goes after Del Rio. He hits Alberto's head off of the hood of the car, and then throws him into the ring. The bells rings to signal the start of the match. Del Rio stumbles to his feet, and turns straight into Zero Hour. Jayzero then locks in the Anaconda Vise, which forces Del Rio to submit. Jayzero grabs an American Flag from an audience member, and waves it around as he celebrates with the BP United States Championship.
It's now time for our main event!
THE Tarrynator makes his way to the ring first, and awaits the arrival of his opponent by laying on the turnbuckle
Eddie Guerrero style. The BP World Champion
Burke is out next. Burke makes his way to the ring followed by photographers, and screaming fans... do we refer to him as "Hollywood" Burke from this point on? I'm not sure. Burke enters the ring, hands his belt, and sunglasses to the referee, and prepares to wrestle THE Tarrynator. The referee calls for the bell, and Burke & Tarry circle each other, ready to lock-up. However, Burke makes a U-turn and exits the ring. "You're not in my league!" Burke shouts as he exits up the ramp. The referee counts to 10, giving Tarry the win by count out, but unfortunately Burke remains the BP World Champion.
The Rock &
Brock Lesnar enter the ring, and ambush
THE Tarrynator. Brock Lesnar lays Tarry out with the F5. The Rock steps forward, and connects with The People's Elbow.
Burke re-enters the ring with the BP World Championship in hand.
The Rock n Brock Connection pull Tarry up onto his feet, which allows Burke to smash him in the skull with the title belt. Burke then pulls Tarry back onto his feet again, and plants him with the FU. Burke leaves the ring again, takes a notepad, and pen from the ringside area, and re-enters the ring. He signs his name on the notepad, and lays on THE Tarrynator's chest. This guy's ego has grown over night... I hope his movie bombs at the box office, that'll give him a reality check. The three
PROGRESS members stand tall over Tarry to end the show.
