No Fatties Allowed Episode 61!
Just 3 days on from the wild and unpredictable
World’s Greatest comes, well, another wild and unpredictable edition of
No Fatties Allowed!
Following the controversial conclusion to Sunday’s show, everyone has been talking about the actions of
Mick Foley and the co-General Manager opened the show, looking to set the record straight. He explained that his actions were not befitting someone in his position, especially given the fact that he is currently on probation. He said he had his reasons for targeting
Tiarnán but understands now that his actions were unacceptable and he shouldn’t have gotten involved. He issues a public apology before announcing that the
BP Board of Directors have signed a
BP World title rematch between
Burke and Tiarnán for next week on
No Fatties Allowed. A somber Foley then made his exit while
JR and
King question what Tiarnán, Burke and even the Board of Directors think of Foley’s actions.
BP Did You Know??? – This past Sunday’s “
World’s Greatest” PPV was purchased by more people than any
WWE or
TNA PPV this year.
Our first match of the evening was a rematch from Sunday’s
World’s Greatest tournament as
Jayzero faced
THE Tarrynator, with Jayzero’s United States title on the line. Following their out of control brawl on Sunday, both men couldn’t wait to get their hands on each other. Once again proving to be an evenly matched pairing, both men traded the upper hand throughout the match until it came to an abrupt halt when
Alberto Del Rio crashed the party and laid out both competitors. The Mexican aristocrat threw Tarry shoulder first into the turnbuckle and dropped Jay with a wicked enzuigiri before declaring that the US title was “his property” and that it had been stolen from him 2 weeks ago.
The Beautiful People were shown backstage in their private dressing room and there appeared to be trouble in TBP paradise!
Angelina and
Velvet were admiring their
BP Women’s Tag Team title belts when
Lacey noted that her Women’s title was “bigger and shinier” than theirs. This set off Angelina, who let off what appeared to be some pent up frustration. She said the fun and games are over. “You being the Women’s Champion is a joke! You’re the least senior member of the group! It should be one of us!” Velvet nodded in agreement. Angelina said Lacey was going to “do the right thing” tonight and do what she should have done weeks ago: hand the Women’s title over to her. “It’s for your own good” Angelina reassured her. “You know it makes sense. You will lay down ON YOUR BACK, I will be crowned Champion, all will be right in TBP world again, then we can all go out and celebrate after!” Angelina and Velvet laugh amongst themselves and exit as poor Lacey is left clearly distressed and conflicted by the whole ordeal.
Chris Jericho’s
Highlight Reel was up next and his guest was none other than former
BP Women’s Champion
Jessica! Following a few minutes of playful banter (during which Y2J let her try on his awesome shiny jacket!), they were interrupted by the French Canadian bombshell
Maryse. Maryse walked to the ring and said she was sick of the mutual admiration society going on and said it was a disgrace that this was taking up TV time while she isn’t even scheduled to be on the show. Jessica tells her to get over it. Maryse snaps and tackles Jessica to the ground, pounding her head to the mat! Jericho urges them not to damage the obscenely expensive Jeritron 5000 before eventually making a feeble attempt to separate them as we head to commercial break.
BP Co-General Manager
Sable made her way to the ring and said she had quite a bit of business to take care of. First off, she announced that next week would be a special
Sin City “
Spin the Wheel, Make the Deal” episode of
No Fatties Allowed and promised a lot of fun and surprises. She then turned her attention to her (currently on probation) co-GM
Mick Foley. She called him a disgrace and claimed his actions on Sunday were reprehensible. “I for one, would never dream of letting my personal affairs affect business” the
PROGRESS leader said as her husband and
BP Superstar
Brock Lesnar watched on from a monitor backstage. To make a point, she announced that she was officially disbanding PROGRESS. She thanked the members of the group for their support but said it would be a conflict of interest to keep the movement going and she wouldn’t dream of letting her ego get in the way of what’s best for
BP. “I’m not Mick Foley!” she laughed. She noted that the
BP Board of Directors are conducting an internal investigation into Foley’s actions and assured them that if his services were to no longer be required, she would have no problem running
No Fatties Allowed on her own. “You can always count on me to remain fair and impartial. Thank you all for your time here tonight!” Following a commercial break, she is confronted in the back by World Champion
Burke, who is shocked to hear of PROGRESS’s demise. “You could have given me some notice!” She says it was fun while it lasted but it’s time to move on and told Burke to get ready, because he’ll be in action later tonight. “Against who?! I thought I had the night off!” he pleaded. Her phone bleeps and she has a text from the Board of Directors. “Uh, I’m a little busy right now. You can pick your own opponent. I don’t care.” She walks off as a lightbulb appears to have gone off in Burke’s head. “Anyone, huh??”
Lacey Von Erich solemnly made her way to the ring carrying her Women’s title belt. She asked for a mic but before she could speak out came her
Beautiful People cohorts,
Angelina Love and
Velvet Sky. Lacey tried to reason with them but Angelina wasn’t in the mood to talk and called for a referee. The official ran out, took Lacey’s title and rang the bell, signifying this as an official title match. Velvet slid out the ring as Angelina instructed Lacey to lay down. Lacey hesitated and was clearly not enjoying this situation. “I SAID lay down. Now!” Angelina ordered. Lacey again refused and was slapped for her act of defiance. Angelina again told the now crying Lacey to get down and she finally complied, slowly laying down on the mat. “That’s more like it. You need to remember who’s in charge here.” Angelina smugly mouthed before kneeling down to make the pin. But, in a shocking turn of events, Lacey caught her in an inside cradle and the referee quickly counted to three! Angelina is in shock as ring announcer
Stacy Keibler announces the winner. “And still
BP Women’s Champion…Lacey Von Erich!” A stunned Velvet enters the ring and helps Angelina to her feet as Lacey says she’s sorry, grabs her title and runs to the back.
New
BP interviewer
Jamie Keyes was in the back ready to conduct an interview with
Tiarnán. After he berated her for showing too much skin and instructed her to cover up in future he told her to proceed with the interview. She asked for his thoughts on
Mick Foley’s actions on Sunday and his rematch with
Burke coming up next week and also rumours circulating online that his
BP contract is expiring soon and he will not be extending it while Mick Foley remains in power. He says Foley’s actions didn’t surprise him at all because “he’s always had a vendetta against me.” He refuses to accept Foley’s public apology earlier tonight and said Foley “and the powers that be” don’t want him as World Champion. But next week, he promises, “I’m not going to let anything get in my way. This is my last shot. And I’m going to make it my best.” He said he’s going to go out with a bang and sinisterly promised to make an impact that no one will ever forget.
In 6 man tag-team action, the team of
Booker T and the
Party Boyz defeated
CM Punk and the
Hart Dynasty in an action packed match. The former King Bookah picked up the win for his team when he pinned
David Hart Smith following the Scissors Kick. Afterwards, Booker invited his partners for the night
Jason and
Zack to perform their very own spinaroonie’s, which they did, much to the crowds delight. It’s Party (Boyz) time on
NFA!
In a pre-taped promo (sources say
Brandon is still recovering following his birthday celebrations earlier this week and was in no condition to appear live tonight), the
Meanest Girls had a huge announcement to make. Reading a prepared statement,
Tiffany explained that starting next week on
No Fatties Allowed and culminating at the
Too Hot For TV PPV on May 27, would be the first ever
Meanest Girls Invitational Rookiest Diva Contest! She promised that more details would be forthcoming and said this was going to be an exciting new chapter in their already glittering career. The video ended with a smiling Tiffany noting that “the preceding announcement has been paid for by friends and supporters of the Meanest Girls.”
Cameron and
Naomi of
Planet Funk were backstage when they were approached by the most electrifying man in sports entertainment himself,
The Rock! The Brahma Bull enquired as to whether or not “you fine ladies would be interested in a piece of the People’s strudel?!” Their look of disgust said it all as they tried to leave but Rocky cut them off. “You do NOT turn down The Great One!” Before things could go any further the
World’s Funkiest Man showed up and asked if there was a problem. A clearly annoyed Rock assured him there wasn’t and backed off. “No problem…no problem at all, is their girls??”
BP World Champion
Burke was interviewed by
Jamie and complained about having to defend his title against
Tiarnán again next week. Switching his focus to the here and now, he reminded us that
Sable told him he could choose his own opponent for tonight’s main event. Jamie asked him who he has chosen and with an evil smile on his face he announced that his opponent will be…
Kelly Kelly! “What can I say, I’ve kinda missed “wrestling” with her the past few months” he laughs. Following a commercial break, a terrified Kelly is already in the ring ready for the main event. Burke’s music hits and he raps his way down the ramp and into the ring.
“Hey Kelly, it’s ex-boyfriend number 469, remember me?!
I’m the one who got out, BEFORE the STD!
The rumours are all true, them legs part faster than the damn red sea
One more week with her, I was coming down with hepatitis B!
They told me to watch what I say out here, gotta keep it PG
Is this No Fatties Allowed, or an episode of Glee?!
I’m just playing though, I kinda like that girl Santana
As for Kelly, well she can choke on THIS banana! *suggestively pulls a banana from pocket and throws it at Kelly*
It has a double meaning, when I talk about how much you suck
I know I’m being a little mean right now, but I just don’t give a…”
Burke holds the mic in the air expecting the crowd to finish it off but is instead met with a chorus of boos and cries of “you suck!”
Kelly breaks down in tears and Burke laughs. The referee reluctantly calls for the bell to start the match and a suddenly enraged Kelly charges at him and knocks him to the ground with a clothesline before stomping away at him in the corner! The ref pulls Kelly off of him, much to the relief of the visibly shocked Scot. Kelly charges at him again but Burke ducks this time, spins her round and drops her with the FU. He places his foot on her chest and the ref counts to 3 as Burke is still nursing his jaw following the earlier clothesline. Following the match, Burke picks Kelly back up to deliver another FU but before he can
John Cena hits the ring! The leader of the CeNation warns Burke to put Kelly down which he reluctantly does. Cena then helps Kelly to the back with a pissed off Burke watching them go. The World Champion then demands that his music hits to play him out but instead
Tiarnán’s theme plays. Burke turns his attention to the entrance ramp but his adversary instead comes from the crowd behind wielding a steel chair. Tiarnán enters the ring, low blows Burke then knocks him out with a sickening chair shot to the head. T picks up a mic and walks back through the crowd as a camera follows him. He sits down at the top of the stairs.
“
Burke, while you lay there, hopefully as uncomfortable as you possibly can be, I want you to listen to me. I want you to digest this because before I leave next week with your
BP World Championship, I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest. I don’t hate you, William. I don’t even dislike you. I do like you. I like you a hell of a lot more than I like most people in the back. I hate this idea that you’re the best. Because you’re not. I’m the best. There’s one thing you’re better at than I am though and that’s kissing
Mick Foley’s ass. Oh, and let’s not forget
Sable too. You’re as good at kissing ass as
Jayzero is. I don’t know if you’re as good as
Brandon though. He’s a pretty good ass kisser. Always was and still is. I am the best wrestler in the world. I’ve been the best since day one when I walked into this business. And I’ve been vilified and hated since that day because
Stephanie McMahon saw something in me that nobody else wanted to admit. That’s right, I’m a Stephanie McMahon guy. You know who else is a Stephanie McMahon guy?
Triple H. And he was one of the only people with enough sense not to make the jump over to this god forsaken company. I wish some others had been as smart as him because I have a lot of very talented friends in the back right now who can’t even make it onto this goddamn show on a regular basis. Hi
Melina! (turns to camera and waves) Whoops! I’m breaking the fourth wall! You see, I’ve grabbed so many of Mick Foley’s imaginary brass rings that it’s finally dawned on me that they’re just that, they’re completely imaginary. The only thing that’s real is me and the fact that day in and day out, for over a year, I have proved to everybody in the world that I am the best on this microphone and in that ring! Nobody can touch me! And yet no matter how many times I prove it, I’m not on the cover of
BP Magazine. I’m not on the poster of
SummerMania. I’m barely promoted. I don't get to be in movies. I’m certainly not on any other crappy shows on the
BPTV network. I’m not on Conan O’Brian. I’m not on Graham Norton. But the fact of the matter is, I should be. And this isn’t sour grapes but the fact that Burke is the current and multiple time
BP World Champion and I’m not makes me absolutely sick! I won that title fair and square 2 months ago and then what happens? I’m stripped of it for no good reason by that piece of shit Mick Foley. Then last Sunday I had to wrestle three matches ON THE SAME NIGHT and was once again screwed by our esteemed co-General Manager. (takes time to compose himself). I’m leaving with the
BP World Championship on May 9th. And who knows, maybe I’ll go defend it in
TNA. Hell, maybe I’ll go to the
WWE. Hey Steph! (turns and waves to camera again) The reason I’m leaving is you people. Because after I’m gone, you’re still going to pour money into this company. You’re still going to cheer for the Asstastic’s and the Five Knuckle Shuffle’s. I’m just a spoke on the wheel. The wheel is going to keep turning and I understand that. Mick Foley is going to make money for this company despite himself. He’s the General Manager of a 100 Million dollar company when he should be the General Manager of a 100 Billion dollar company. You know why he’s not the General Manager of a 100 Billion dollar company? Because he surrounds himself with glad-handed, nonsensical, douchebag yes men, like
Paul Heyman, who’s going to tell him everything he wants to hear. And I’d like to think that maybe this company will be better after Mick Foley is dead but the fact is, it’s going to be taken over by that air-headed slut Sable and her neanderthal husband. Let me tell you a personal story about good ‘ole Mick Foley. You know how he does all this charity work, right? Well there was this one time…”
Tiarnán’s mic cuts off and the show abruptly goes off the air.
Top worldwide trending topics for the night~: “World’s Greatest”, “No Fatties Allowed”, “Mick Foley”, “US Title”, “Alberto Del Rio”, “The Beautiful People”, “Highlight Reel”, “I Want Jericho’s Jacket”, “Sable For President”, “Poor Lacey”, “Lacey wins!”, “Spinaroonie”, “Meanest Girls Invitational”, “Too Hot For TV”, “Where Is Brandon?”, “People’s Strudel”, “Kelly Kelly”, “Burke Is A Pussy”, “Choke On This Banana”, “Poor Kelly”, “Krazy Kelly”, “FU”, “We Want Cena”, “Tiarnan”, “Steel Chair”, “He Called Him William”, “Stephanie McMahon”, “HHH”, “Hi Melina”, “BP Magazine”, “Piece Of Shit Mick Foley”, “He Mentioned TNA”, “WWE”, “Hey Steph”, “Douchebag Yes-Men”, “Air-Headed Slut”, “Neanderthal Husband”, “T Is Crazy”, “WTF?”
