The Joke Thread!

[Burke]

What do you call security guys outside a Samsung store?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

[Mutant Couch]

I can't help but picture you stopping someone that looks suspicious and then going, "Hey, did you hear the one about..." Then they go on to rob the place.

[Brandon]

Mar 25, 2017 1:33:44 GMT -5 Mutant Couch said:

I can't help but picture you stopping someone that looks suspicious and then going, "Hey, did you hear the one about..." Then they go on to rob the place.

Imagine planning a heist for months and the relief you would have when you finally show up to pull it off and there's only Burke standing in your way. 😂

[Burke]

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I’m not sure what freaked him out more – my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband.

They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.

The doctor gave me six months to live so I shot him.

The judge gave me 40 years. Problem solved.

[Burke]

Why will Congress never impeach Trump?

Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

[Burke]

Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow end up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

[Burke]

Everyone is trying to climb the ladder to success.

And at the top is a guy named Cess, having the time of his life.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...

...then my illegal logging business is a success.

I had a vasectomy because I didn't want to have kids.

But when I came back home, they were still there.

[Burke]

I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day...

It's a vicious cycle.

Where do spies sleep?

Under covers.

Son: “Dad, why did you name my sister Teresa?”

Dad: “Well, son, ‘Teresa’ is an anagram of ‘Easter’ and your mom really loves Easter. Why do you ask, Alan?”

[Burke]

What is Donald Trump’s favourite type of clothing?

Russian ties.

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.

The only thing flat-earthers fear...

...Is sphere itself.

There's a gang in my area who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join.

But enough about the church.

My first day as a car salesman:

Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

[Burke]

Dear Satan...
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.



I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas and she told me, "nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace."
So I bought her nothing.



Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents this year?
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.

[Burke]

Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald duck."

Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Arnold Schwarzenegger decide to collaborate on a movie about classical composers.

Stallone: "I'll be Beethoven."

Van Damme: "I'll be Mozart."

Schwarzenegger: "I'll be Bach."

What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir line.

[Burke]

A farmer is worried that his sex life with his wife is getting a bit dry.

They go to see a therapist, who asks them what they think the problem is. The wife says, "I just don't have time for it, I'm too busy cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry and everything else. Sex is starting to lose its appeal".

The farmer is disheartened to hear this, but listens to the therapist, who tells him, "You need to change things up a bit. You'll just have to do something sexy to attract her."

The next morning, the wife is in the house, ironing some clothes, when she hears strange sounds from outside. She runs out of the kitchen and into the front yard, and sees her husband completely naked thrusting his dick in and out of a tractor's exhaust pipe. "What on Earth are you doing?" she shouts.

The farmer looks up at her. "Well the therapist said to do something sexy to a tractor."

[Jayzero]

I actually dedicated a good 30 seconds of my life that I’ll never get back to read that. That’s the real joke.

[Burke]

My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...

...Would it even matter?

Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

[Burke]

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'let's make this interesting'.
So we stopped playing chess.

Why did an old man fall into a well?
Because he couldn't see that well.

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're afraid of change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.