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Post by Burke on Nov 22, 2011 16:59:11 GMT -5
Funny jokes, rude jokes, intentionally bad jokes, etc.
Post them all here!
I recently found out that when using the urinal 33% of men hold their penis with their left hand and 67% use their right. 89% wanted to know why I was watching them piss.
HD porn is so clear nowadays that you can actually see how disappointed their parents are.
Apparently, Osama Bin Laden had a 25 million dollar price tag on his head. What kind of ridiculous, designer turban was he wearing?
I have a friend on Facebook whose status said "Suicidal - Standing on the edge of a cliff." Poking him probably wasn’t the best idea.
There's an Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smoked." The Scotsman says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank." With that the Irishman says "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a penis."
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Post by Mutant Couch on Nov 22, 2011 22:07:46 GMT -5
These are all bad/I find them hilarious, but very few other people do. Also, the first one I loved as a kid, but it's so stupid that I needed to share it.
Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
Two muffins are sitting in an oven and the first looks over to the second and says, "Man it's really hot in here." The second muffin looks over and says "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"
A dog goes to a telegram office, takes out a form and writes: Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. The clerk examines the paper and tells the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'woof' for the same price." The dog says, "Are you crazy? If I did that it wouldn't make sense!"
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Post by BigFaker on Nov 23, 2011 13:30:19 GMT -5
My wife is leaving me because I was sat on the edge of the bed pulling off my boxers. She said "Please don't do that to the dogs..."
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What bounces and makes kids cry?
My donation cheque to Children in Need.
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3 Irish fellas called Mick, Pat and Tat were sat drinking in a pub in Leeds.
A local customer comes over to them and says "Are you 3 all related?"
Mick says "Yeah, we're triplets"
The customer then says "Triplets, so how come you and Pat are both 6 foot tall and Tat is only 4 foot 6 inches tall?"
"Well" says Mick "Me and Pat were always breast fed, which meant there was no tit for Tat!"
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How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?
To get to the other side.
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What has two wings and a halo?
A chinese telephone...
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My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face......
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I've just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.....
Feefiephobia
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Post by Burke on Nov 23, 2011 14:58:13 GMT -5
My girlfriend left me for a midget. It broke my heart - I couldn't believe she would stoop so low.
Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day. I was so shocked I nearly choked on my latte.
I hate how many French people play Call of Duty. You usually get 'host ended game' before any bullets have been fired.
I hear that Stephen Hawking can finally achieve an erection now that doctors have disabled his pop-up blocker.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman went on a mountain-climbing expedition together. Everything was going fine until one day, while they were walking along a narrow ledge, an avalanche ripped away the ledge on each side of them. As they stood there wondering what to do, with the freezing night closing in, there was a strange shimmering in the air and a good fairy appeared, floating in front of them. She raised her wand and declared that, as they had all been good and the expedition was sponsored for charity and so forth, she was to rescue them from their terrible plight. Each of them could wish to be transformed into any bird of their choice in order to get safely off the mountain, and would return to their normal form once they reached home. She turned first to the Englishman and asked what he wanted to be. "A swan," he replied, and a beautiful white swan replaced him. Stepping off the ledge, it spread its wings and flew off for England. The fairyturned to the Scotsman, who immediately and proudly chose a golden eagle,which he became. With a magnificent swoop, he launched from the ledge and soared away, glorying in the freedom of flight as he returned home. The Irishman watched the two birds disappearing into the distance from the ledge as the fairy turned to him. "And what bird do you choose?" she asked. He thought, and mused, then said: "A penguin."
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Post by Burke on Nov 27, 2011 15:55:15 GMT -5
A girl suggested I set up a double date to make our first time out together less awkward. I hope she likes my parents.
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Little Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"
My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.
Going to war over religion is kind of like killing one another to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour. When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
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Post by Burke on Dec 11, 2012 11:17:55 GMT -5
Some scientific study apparently concluded that the following is the funniest joke ever told:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
The second funniest:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
They’re funny but I think we can do better.
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Post by Brandon on Dec 11, 2012 11:29:31 GMT -5
The second one made me chuckle, but only because I read it in Robert Downey Jr.'s voice.
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Post by Burke on Jan 20, 2013 11:14:32 GMT -5
“He certainly prepared himself for this moment. I would say that he met the moment and at the end of it - 2 and a half - literally 2 and a half hours, we both were pretty exhausted and I would say I was satisfied." - Oprah Winfrey on Lance Armstrong
Was she interviewing him or was she fucking him?
Despite all the controversy surrounding him, Lance Armstrong is thinking about making a comeback in next year’s Tour de France.
That guy must have some balls.
UCI have also stripped Lance Armstrong of his part in Dodgeball, which now means White Goodman and the Purple Cobras win.
Nicki Minaj has pulled out of performing at the V Festival, after developing problems with her vocal chords.
A spokesman said, "She sounded terrible in rehearsals, and then she developed problems with her vocal chords too."
Lady Gaga and Britney Spears are sharing a dressing room. "Do you know I've insured my face for 10 million dollars?" says Gaga.
"Wow," says Britney. "So what did you do with all the money?"
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Post by Burke on Jun 2, 2013 9:29:27 GMT -5
Guy walks into a library and enquires about taking out a book on suicide.
"Fuck off!", says the librarian. "You won't bring it back!"
Yes, this one is really old.
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Post by Burke on Jul 7, 2013 15:27:07 GMT -5
They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Unless he's a Vegetarian. Then you can get there through his vagina.
I've been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I'm getting pissed off. It keeps asking me, 'Where do you want to go?' So I click on the icon that says 'Home' and then it makes me start again.
Make fun of Kim and Kanye's name choice for North West all you want, but that baby is going straight to the top. And slightly to the left.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2013 7:44:28 GMT -5
Why didn't the cashier laugh at Emily's joke? --- Cause it didn't make any cents
Who eats at underwater restaurants? --- Scuba-Diners
Why is it a bad idea to work for elephants? --- They pay in peanuts
These jokes were brought to you by Popsicle Sticks - Being unfunny, since 1905
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Post by Burke on Aug 25, 2013 14:42:31 GMT -5
The Pink Panther’s to do list: - To do - To do - To do, to do, to do, to do, to dooooo  |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2013 19:12:58 GMT -5
The Pink Panther’s to do list: - To do - To do - To do, to do, to do, to do, to dooooo  |
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Post by Burke on Aug 27, 2013 13:17:16 GMT -5
At the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says,
"Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body."
He then proceeds to bless the wine and says,
"Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood."
Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter cuts him off,
"You can fuck right off with that one."
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Post by Tarry on Sept 8, 2013 8:28:28 GMT -5
"Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?" asked my mate Dave.
"Go on then," I replied.
"NOT THE KRYPTONITE!" he screamed.
I said, "That's Superman."
He said, "Thanks, I've been practising."
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