Post by Brandon on Dec 25, 2020 0:00:10 GMT -5
BPW Christmas Special 2020
Our show opens with an exterior shot of the BPW Performance Center, with Christmas lights wrapped around the lone palm tree out front. We fade inside to the General Manager's office, where Tiffany is sitting atop her desk, which is decorated with a poinsettia, in a red Christmas dress. She welcomes us to a very special episode of Friday Night Bitch Fight, and says it's an honor the viewers have chosen to spend Christmas with BPW; especially considering so many were unable to spend the day with their loved ones this year. However, she says that the BPW Universe are all one big, happy, family, and they've got a great show in store tonight as a Christmas gift to the fans. With that message, Tiffany smiles until the director yells, "Cut!" And then she rolls her eyes and scoots off her desk. "Finally! It only took fifteen takes." She complains, coming around and sitting behind her desk. Her cell phone rings and she answers it - one of her girlfriends asking when she'll be free. Tiffany rolls her eyes and further complains. "I'm working my ass off with this Christmas stuff, that you know, who gives a fuck about Christmas stuff and decoration? But I need to do it, right? And then I do it and I say that I'm working on Christmas, planning for the Christmas, and they say, 'Oh, what about the wrestlers you released during the pandemic?' Give me a fucking break!" Tiffany rants, before noticing that the camera is still on her. She puts her hand over the receiver. "...Is that still on?" She asks, eyeing the camera. The director gulps, too afraid to say yes, and in a rage, Tiffany lunges from behind her desk and smacks the camera off of her, where it tumbles to the floor and static takes over the feed. Cue the opening!
After the FNBF intro video package, we're inside the arena where Corey Graves, Tom Phillips and Byron Saxton are sitting behind the announcers desk with a tray of Christmas cookies and milk. They welcome us to Friday Night Bitch Fight, and Byron is especially excited for tonight's show, because afterwards, Santa is coming! But for now, we're kicking things off with a Miracle on 34th Street Fight for the Women's Tag Team Championship, and the challengers, the Riott Squad, are out first. The champions follow, and Jessica is matching Asuka in all her tacky, Lisa Frank glory. But while the champs are making their entrance, the Riott Squad jump them from behind and things get underway. With the early advantage, Liv throws Asuka out of the ring and slides out after her, while Ruby slams Jessica to the mat and opens up one of the presents stacked in the corner. It's a box of Christmas tree ornaments, which she dumps out in the middle of the ring. Before she can do whatever she's planning, however, Liv knocks some more presents that are stacked on a table on the outside to the floor and lays Asuka across it, calling for Ruby's attention. Seeing what her partner has in mind, Ruby climbs the turnbuckle and is about to put Asuka through the table with a dive, when Jessica reappears and grabs Ruby by a handful of green hair. Climbing the turnbuckle alongside her, Jessica and Ruby teeter on the top rope until Jessica hits a Super Sofaplex onto the Christmas ornaments! We see a close-up of Ruby attempting to sit up; blood trickling from the ornament shards embedded in her back as a 'holy shit' chant breaks out. As Jessica starts to pick herself up, Liv slides in the ring with a fire extinguisher, which she then uses to give Jessica a white Christmas, spraying the redhead and making her flail on the mat. Liv then ditches the fire extinguisher for a candy cane striped kendo stick, and licks her smirking lips as she waits for Jessica to pull herself up before laying into her with the weapon. While Liv goes to town on Jessica in the ring, Asuka picks up one of the presents that got thrown to the floor and is surprised to find that it's addressed to her. Ripping it open, she gasps upon finding her old tag team partner, Kairi Sane's, Japanese parasol inside. Asuka holds the parasol up and looks from it to the ring and back at the parasol, realizing she has a weapon of her own. As she slides in the ring, Liv sets her sights on Asuka with the kendo stick, but Asuka ducks, whacking Liv with the parasol instead. Liv screams and drops the kendo stick, and Asuka proceeds to light her up until Liv slides out of the ring in an attempt to take a breather by the announcers desk. Asuka pursues her however, and when Liv turns around, Asuka whacks her over the head with their tray of cookies! Liv stumbles back and spins all the way around, where Asuka follows up by splashing her with the pitcher of milk. "Hey, those were for Santa!" Byron pouts. Liv is completely disoriented now, which allows Asuka to grab her and fallaway slam her into a Christmas tree and pile of presents set up in the corner, taking her out of the match for good. Back in the ring, Ruby is up and she's using a string of multicolor Christmas lights to choke Jessica! Pulling the redhead to her feet, Ruby snapmares her across the ring where she notices Asuka. Releasing Jessica, she approaches the ropes and reaches through them to grab Asuka, only to be misted in the face for her troubles. With her green hair and green mist running down her face, Graves draws a comparison to the Grinch as Ruby blindly stumbles back and gets rolled up by Jessica, who locks in the Couch Recliner! Ruby immediately taps and the champions have retained. As they celebrate, Asuka points to the parasol and gives an excited thumbs up to the camera, letting Kairi know she got it.
As the champs celebrate, we fade out to a hooded figure who's sitting by a campfire in the snow. The familiar voice questions the hypocrisy of Christmas, and the idea that we're expected not to spend the holidays with our loved ones, yet it's okay for us to go shopping in droves so we can buy each other the latest propaganda we don't need in a plea for validation. The voice tells us that Christmas is a lie - one he'll soon liberate us from, and he removes his hoodie; the firelight on his face revealing him to be the BPW Champion, EC3. "You have been warned." He tells us, before getting up and trekking off into the snow. As he walks off, the camera pans aside to a wooden sign that says NORTH POLE, pointing in the direction EC3 has headed.
Up next, we have a special treat for some of the men in our audience: a Holiday Eggnog Match! A pool is revealed onstage, filled with gallons of thick, holiday flavored nog for our competitors to splash around in. Tony Nese is out first to serve as special guest referee, sporting a festive red and white striped referee shirt with cut-off sleeves, and the smallest pair of black booty shorts he could find. He dips his fingers in the pool for a taste, giving an approving nod to the camera as the music for our first competitor hits: Drew Gulak! Gulak walks out looking like a real Scrooge, already unhappy to be taking part in a pool match, let alone a Christmas themed one. "Sure, they said 'Holiday Eggnog' to be politically correct," complains Drew, who came out wearing a kippah on his head. "But we ALL know what 'holiday' you people really mean!" Drew rants about Christmas acting like it’s the greatest holiday of all time, when REAL holidays like Hanukkah are overlooked and disrespected. So today, he has a special power point presentation on exactly why "Chanukkah" is the superior holiday. Drew leaves for a moment and comes back out with a stand and a fully lit menorah. He places the menorah on the stand and orders the production truck to remove the "dummkopf" fans off the screen so he can begin his power point presentation... in Yiddish! Tony Nese yawns and checks his imaginary watch, while Drew drones on about dreidels and such, even picking the menorah up to help everyone get a better look at it. It's then when his opponent, Angel Garza, runs out from behind and tosses Drew off the stage into the eggnog below - menorah and all! Angel winks and smiles at the camera, Rico Suave'ing his way down the ramp with a candy cane in his teeth instead of his usual rose. Drew gasps in the liquid like he's drowning, slowly getting to his feet as Angel rips off his tearaway Santa pants, revealing a red velvet thong underneath! Garza tosses his pants at Drew, before diving into the pool with a flying clothesline. After pushing Drew around some more, Angel decides to spice things up a bit, pulling a small bottle of tequila out of the front of his thong. He spikes the eggnog and takes a shot, before forcing the rest into Gulak's mouth, who grimaces at both the taste, and where that bottle has been. Drew tries to come back with a surprise dropkick, but Angel dodges, causing Drew to knock Tony down into the eggnog instead. Garza takes Drew back to the ground with a back suplex, and picks up the candy cane from his entrance. Nese attempts to pull himself up with the side of the pool, while Gulak regains his footing behind him. Garza measures Gulak with the candy cane and lunges, but Gulak dives, causing Garza to stick the candy cane right between Tony's Christmas hams! Drew tries to take advantage of an apologetic Garza by locking in the Gu-Lock, but Garza reverses it and hits him with the Wing Clipper into the nog! Garza hooks Drews leg and saunters suggestively over him as Tony recovers to count the pin, giving Garza the win. After the match, Tony raises Angel's hand in victory while he gives seductive eyes and blows kisses to the audience at home.
Backstage, we see that some of the unbooked wrestlers are partaking in a Christmas party. As the camera pans across the room, a few are mingling in the foreground, like Baron Corbin and Lacey Evans, and the Tag Team Champions, The Revival, and Johnny Gargano and Candice LeRae, with jobbers like Dana Brooke and Austin Theory peppered throughout. The camera then settles on the Women's Champion, Sasha Banks, and Naomi, and Sasha holds her hand over her mouth and whispers something to Naomi when Lana walks by. Naomi laughs, but swats Sasha's arm, as if telling her to be nice. While the two talk, The Undisputed Era approach with Kyle O'Reilly front and center. He's holding a gift in his hands, but looks nervous. He waves the idea off and starts to turn around, but his teammates push him forward, causing him to bump into Sasha. "What?!" she angrily snaps. O'Reilly apologizes, but says he has a present for Sasha. Smirking, she accepts it and says she guesses she'll let it slide this time. She doesn't open the gift right away, but O'Reilly shares a relieved smile with his teammates because she accepted it. "I hope you have a holly, jolly Christmas." He goes one step further to tell her, and Sasha's brow furrows in anger. "Holly? My name's Sasha!" She snaps at him, and O'Reilly winces. "I thought it was Mia..." He mutters to himself in confusion before scurrying off; his teammates trailing after him and asking him what happened, while Naomi just laughs and shakes her head.
Elsewhere backstage, Brandon and King Tarry are standing by; the latter warming up with stretches while the blonde laughs at something on his phone and blows a bubble. They're approached by Jayzero and Burke, who ask them if they're ready. Indeed King Tarry is, stating that tonight their opponents will kneel before the royal scepter. "Cept who?" Brandon asks, finally looking up from his phone. King Tarry looks insulted while Jayzero snorts a laugh, but Burke diffuses the situation by telling his teammates to come on, leading them to gorilla as we fade out to a commercial break.
Upon returning, a punk pop theme hits and the TV Champion, Jason, leads his team to the ring. He's sporting flannel trunks and suspenders, while Otis is rocking elf ears and the beautiful Mandy Rose by his side, wearing a ~sexy Christmas costume. Even Keith Lee and Chad Gable are in on the gig, wearing red attires and Santa hats. The heels then enter the arena in green costumes; Brandon in striped leg warmers and Jordans, King Tarry rocking a green velvet robe with fluffy white trim, and Burke wearing saggy Santa pants that show off his Calvin Klein undies. Unfortunately, he also has a mic in his hand.
Being a Father wasn't for me, had to go back to my true calling
I been running this shit for years, while y'all bitches been crawling
Ripped the collar off, picked the mic back up
Call me Big Poppa Burke, cause I'm still your hook-up
I'm the man of the hour, who the hell is Kris Kringle?
This dude couldn't get a date, on Christian Mingle
You a loser in a red suit, cosplaying as Santa
We gone whoop that fat-ass, from the north pole to Atlanta
I'm hungry for this match, call it my Christmas dinner
Been eating y'all hoes for years, so how I keep getting thinner?
Speaking of hoes, RIP to Sister Thea
I was Luke Sykwalker, made her my Princess Leia
Brought her back from obscurity, literally found her in a ditch
Then one day she packs up, says she'd rather go stream on Twitch!
But that's in the past, dwell on that shit I won't
They say Christmas only cums once a year, but y'all know I don't
I'm sicker than covid, gimme that vaccine
Caught more STD's, than Charlie Sheen
I should't have said that out loud, edit that out in post-production
Team Jason going down hard, cause we got an appetite for destruction
Otis is sweating already, someone give him a hot-dog
And Mandy, well you can take a bite of my Yuletide log
Yo Jason, how much more pathetic could this team possibly be?
Keith Lee got stretch marks, bigger than Shorty G
Y'all ain't worthy, to stuff our stocking
Leave you eating through a straw, like Stephen Hawking
We hotter than hell, y'all colder than ice
We having too much fun being naughty, but y'all can keep being nice
We up in the club, making it rain, dear
Shout-out to Brandon, for winning Rear of the Year
We the real royal family, none of that Meghan and Harry
The only King we bow to, is the big homie Tarry
Everybody rejoice, for BurkeZero rides again
Y’all know we as tight, as Abel and Cain
We gone have Jason's chestnuts roasting, on an open fire
I hope your 3 little elves, don't get caught in the crossfire
As Burke finishes his rap, King Tarry grabs the mic and yells "Beleedat!" before the heels slide into the ring. Jayzero and Gable start the match for their respective teams, but Keith Lee has other plans and tags himself in after the bell, causing Jay's eyes to widen with a visible gulp. Jay immediately tags out to Burke, who tags out to Jay, who tags back out to Burke, who tags out to Tarry, and so on. All of this is unbeknownst to Brandon, who's spending the beginning of the match playing with filters on Instagram Live with his back to the ring. Finally, Burke tags out to Brandon and his three partners jump off the apron to back up against the barricade. Confused by the tag, Brandon finally looks up to see what's happening and gets yeeted into the ring by Lee. Brandon quickly saves himself by turning the iPhone flash on in Lee's eyes, allowing him to roll out of and run around the ring with Blackzilla in pursuit. He slides back in and tags out to Tarry, who foolishly climbed back onto the apron. Lee gestured for Tarry to come into the ring, and Tarry gains a sudden burst of confidence. He's King Tarry, dammit! This is HIS kingdom! He walks right up to Lee and demands he bow down and kiss his royal feet. Lee looks down, then back up to Tarry, before stomping his massive boot down on Tarry's foot. Tarry screams in pain and tries to run to tag out, but his foot is trapped under Lee's, and he isn't budging. Tarry finally comes back and tries to channel one of his mentors, the late "Rowdy" Roddy Piper with a thumb to the eye. While this works to make Lee take a step back, it only angers the big man, who yanks Tarry back by his cape when he attempts to tag out. Lee lifts the King up for a massive powerslam before tagging out to Jason, who enters the ring and hits Tarry with a Sunset Kick, sending him stumbling back to his corner next to his royal scepter. Jayzero distracts the ref long enough for Tarry to nail Jason in the head, sending him flying back to his corner, where Gable tags himself in. Brandon is more keen to wrestle the smallest man on the other team and tags himself in, where they have a quick back and forth until he gets Gable in a corner. Brandon tires Gable out with a foot choke and then kicks him down into a seated position before tagging out to Jay, who runs to the other side of the ring. Brandon picks his phone back up and calls attention to his famous posterior, giving Gable an IG Live Asstastic, which is then followed by a Nutbuster from Jayzero! Gable is eventually able to get Jay into his own corner, where he tags in Jason for a double team. Tossing Jay into the ropes, Burke hits a blind tag but waits for his moment to attack. They flip Jay onto his back, and then Gable and Jason each grab a leg and slam Jay's legs in a split! "That Nutcracker wasn't so suite!" Graves jokes as Burke runs in the ring, only to receive a drop toe hold that causes him to headbutt Jay's snowballs. We may have seen the final Nutbuster here tonight, folks. Once the ref gets things under control, Burke is able to get the upper hand on Jason, until Mandy Rose jumps onto the apron to distract our resident Chet Hanks, holding mistletoe over her head. Burke takes the bait and walks over, not realizing Jason has tagged out to Otis, who rubs his belly and says, "Ohhhh yeeeaahh." in anticipation. Mandy points behind Burke, who turns around and gets bulldozed by the spherical man, who then kisses Mandy under the mistletoe. As Burke pulls himself up in the corner, Otis barrels into him, dropping him into a seated position. Otis then turns to Brandon and points at him, before turning his backside towards Burke and surrounding the Sinister Scot's head with his massive ass, and Brandon grimaces in disgust at the sight of Otis showing him how it's done. "He didn't get to kiss Mandy, but he got to kiss something!" Byron jokes. "Yeah, and this one smells somewhat worse." Graves adds in a rude shot at Mandy. Otis tags in Keith Lee, but Burke takes a cheap shot at Lee and knocks him off the apron before he can get in the ring. Otis retaliates by tossing Burke into the ropes, where Brandon makes a blind tag. Otis levels Burke and hits him with a Caterpillar, but he's then attacked from behind by King Tarry, who hits Otis with a Tarrydise. Jason runs in the ring to hit a Raindrop on Tarry, but he's then met with a Zero Hour by Jay. Gable does away with Jay via a Chaos Theory, but he's then hit from behind by Brandon, the legal man, with a Weapon of Ass Destruction! Brandon thinks he has the match in the bag, going back into his IG broadcast, when the other legal man, Keith Lee, slowly rises into frame behind him. Brandon's eyes widen as he realizes, with all the comments telling him "Behind you!" "Look out!" "RIP." Brandon attempts to run away, but Lee yanks him back by the waistband of his trunks, and drills the blonde with the BBC. "Probably not his first." Graves remarks. Lee covers a sprawled out Brandon for the pin and the win.
While the babyfaces celebrate and the heels complain all the way up the ramp, we fade out all the way to the North Pole, where Santa Claus is sitting in his recliner and relaxing until it's time to deliver presents. A young Mrs. Claus brings him a mug of hot cocoa, but before he can take a sip of it, there's a banging at their front door. They exchange confused, and, in Mrs. Claus' case, slightly alarmed looks, but Santa hands the mug back to her and gets up to see who it is. He takes a look through the peephole before opening the door, and EC3 walks in without being invited. He immediately makes himself at home and goes into a spiel about the true meaning of Christmas, even taking the hot cocoa mug from Mrs. Claus, and pausing to ask her if they have any of those little marshmallows. Taken aback, Mrs. Claus goes to look for some and Santa comes over to EC3. "Hot wife." EC3 compliments him, but Santa isn't amused. He thanks EC3 for dropping by, but he really has to be goin- AND OH MY GOD! EC3 JUST SMASHED HIS HOT COCOA MUG OVER SANTA’S HEAD! Mrs. Claus screams and Santa stumbles away covering his face, while EC3 stalks after him and clubs Santa across the back. He lays in another shot, and another, but Santa blocks the next one and returns with a right hand of his own. EC3 stumbles back and Santa charges at him, tackling EC3 into the Christmas tree. The two crash to the floor with Santa on top, and Old St. Nick lays into EC3 with lefts and rights. EC3 turns his head to see the fireplace within reach, and he stretches his arm out and grabs the end of a burning log, smashing it against Santa's head and busting him open. Santa pulls himself to his feet and stumbles away, trickling blood with EC3 getting up behind him. Santa makes it to a door that swings open, leading out to his workshop, where we discover that his "helpers" are actually sweatshop kids, busy sorting toys to be loaded onto Amazon delivery trucks, while the elves are monstrous little creatures who stand around and whip the children when they stop working. Holding onto the rail, Santa starts to make his way down the stairs when he's blasted from behind by EC3, sending him tumbling down the bottom steps. As the fight spills into the workshop, the kids stop working and watch on in shock. "Did I say stop?!" Santa asks, blocking a punch by EC3 and responding with an uppercut. "We've got a deadline to meet!" After watching EC3 pop Santa in the nose, a few of the elves decide to get involved and jump EC3, hanging off of his muscular frame. EC3 spins around and manages to knock one of them loose, punting it across the workshop where it sails through the air before landing in the furnace. The kids all scream and start to run, while EC3 manages to sling another elf hanging off his back onto the workshop conveyor belt. He takes a moment to look around at all the machinery, and then pulls a lever that brings the conveyor belt to life. As the elf starts to stir, it comes to in time to cling to the side of the machine the conveyor belt is pulling it into. The elf briefly screams as it gets pulled in, before blood sprays out of the machine like a wood chipper and splatters EC3. As the elves abandon their posts, EC3 picks up a skateboard one of them was working on and looks into the camera. "Was this gonna be for little Johnny?" EC3 asks the viewers watching at home. "Was this your gift little Johnny?" He rhetorically asks again, before cracking the skateboard over Santa's head. "Fuck little Johnny!" EC3 swears before spitting. He grabs Santa by his beard and drags him over to a different part of the workshop, where one elf still remains and briefly makes eye contact with EC3 before looking away. Recognition flashes on EC3's face, and with one hand holding onto Santa, his other grabs the elf's sleeve and jerks him back around, revealing the elf to be Drake Maverick. "Spud?" A confused EC3 asks, and Maverick chuckles nervously. When EC3 doesn't stop staring at him, Maverick grows defensive. "Oh, come on! I got released during the pandemic, I had to find something for work!" EC3 scrunches up his face at Maverick, like that's a horrible excuse and he’s better than this. "Dude. C'mon. Get outta here." He tells him, shooing Maverick off the line. Desperately, Santa reaches out to Maverick. "My elf... please... help me..." Maverick looks from EC3 to Santa, and then back to EC3, before taking his elf hat off and chucking it at Santa. "You were a horrible employer!" He yells. "Even worse than Dixie Carter!" Maverick stomps off to clock out and EC3 grins. Pulling Santa to his feet, EC3 plants him face-first into the concrete with the One Percenter, busting Santa open and leaving him gasping for breath. As Santa pants and clutches at his heart - possibly having a heart attack and definitely in no condition to deliver presents tonight - Mrs. Claus appears again and runs to check on her husband, but gets intercepted by EC3, who throws her over his shoulder and spins around, looking into the camera. "Looks like I'm Santa now, and I say fuck Christmas." He says matter-of-factly, before the camera cuts in even closer on his face. "Which, I'm off to go do..." he adds, carrying Mrs. Claus back inside.
