FNBF opens with a, "Previously, on Friday Night Bitch Fight..." package that segues into a segment shot earlier this week in the Law Offices of
David Otunga Esq.
Father William and the former Sister Thea,
Zelina Vega, are sat on opposite ends of a table from
Taryn Terrell and
Drew Gulak.
Dixie Carter and David Otunga, the defense lawyer of William and Vega, are also sat at the table. Taryn and Drew present their case, with a full power point presentation, for why William and Vega should be banned from Friday Night Bitch Fight for good, and in Vega's case, banned from America completely, claiming that not only is William Burke a sex offender, but both he and Vega are from "poop-hole countries." And when you google William's full name, a notorious murderer comes up. "A coincidence?" Drew questions, "I think not!" Dixie says Drew and Taryn present a pretty good case, while Otunga and his clients whisper among themselves. Otunga presents his counter argument, saying this whole thing is ridiculous. Not only are the claims against his clients preposterous, they're down right slander. So they're issuing a counter suit against Taryn and Drew. Both sides begin arguing over each other until Dixie finally screams for everyone to be quiet. Dixie looks to Otunga and says there has to be some way to solve this without months of court hearings. Otunga shrugs and suggests that since they're all wrestlers, they could settle it in the ring. Dixie agrees, and makes a mixed tag for tonight's FNBF. If Father William and Zelina Vega win, the charges against them will be dropped, but if they lose, they'll be fired from FNBF!
    After our intro, FNBF officially kicks off with
The Miz and
Maryse making their way down the red carpet to the ring, followed closely by the new Miztourage,
Bo Dallas and
Curtis Axel. The Miz says that last week, they humiliated Roman Reigns, and gave him an official welcome to FNBF. Before The Miz can rant much longer,
Roman Reigns' music hits and the Big Dog makes his way on stage. Roman says The Miz loves to talk, but he's not here to talk, he's here to fight. Roman drops his mic and starts walking down towards the ring as the Miztourage huddle to come up with a plan. The Miz, Maryse and Curtis Axel leave the ring with Bo Dallas staying behind with a referee, and we have an official match on our hands. As soon as the bell rings, Roman immediately knocks Bo out with a Superman Punch for a quick pin! Curtis Axel slides in and tries to attack Roman from behind, but Roman ducks and counters with a spear, laying Axel out as well! The Miz and Maryse retreat up the ramp as Roman stands tall over the fallen Miztourage.
    We're allowed to see inside
The Carter Family's suit now, where Dixie Carter is sitting with the new tag team champions, EC3 and
James Ellsworth, alongside Tiffany and
Carmella. Both tag title belts are draped over EC3's shoulders. Ellsworth asks if he can hold his title for a bit, but EC3 groans. "God, do you have to have everything?!" EC3 complains, "It already has your name on it. What more do you want?!" EC3 turns the belt around to reveal a piece of masking tape with "James" written on it in sharpie. Ellsworth apologizes. Carmella opens her mouth to say something, but Dixie interrupts her to thank her and Ellsworth for their assistance last week. As a reward, they're giving Carmella a title shot against Ember Moon tonight. Carmella beams in excitement, thanking Dixie, and drags Ellsworth away from his title with her to go get ready for her match. As Carmellsworth make their exit, Universal Champion
Jeff Hardy enters, asking if Dixie wanted to see him. Tiffany stands up and says she actually summoned him. She was reading the tabloids earlier, and deep down underneath the magazine stand on the floor, she found a tabloid that was lowly enough to cover the likes of Jeff Hardy. According to the magazine, Jeff's name was dropped in a $10 Million drug ring as an alleged client of jailed drug dealer, Ricardo Rodriguez. "Ricardo Rodriguez?" Jeff thinks, "The ring announcer?" Tiffany looks to the side as if being caught in a lie. "I knew that name sounded familiar!" EC3 mutters under his breath. Dixie butts in that it's a common name, and regardless, these are very serious allegations, so she has to take action. Tonight, Jeff is going to have to undergo a drug test, and if he fails, not only will he be immediately suspended from FNBF, but he'll be stripped of the Universal Championship!
Tony Nese enters the shot with a bottle of water, smirking as he offers it to Jeff. Jeff scoffs and shakes his head, "You people are ridiculous." he laughs, rejecting the water and leaving the room.
    The familiar trumpets blare and The Champ is here! Which must mean it's time for the
John Cena Television Championship open challenge! The brave soul who wants to come get some this week is...
Dash Wilder! After seeing his Revival teammate,
Scott Dawson, fall to the unseen leader of the CeNation last week, he obviously wants to have a crack himself. They lock-up and away we go. Cena dominates early until he’s brought to his knees by a vicious chop block. Dash works over Cena's leg, eventually applying an inverted figure four leglock but Cena scrambles to the ropes. Dash hits a series of European uppercuts in the corner then drops Cena with a shin breaker. He places The Champ on the top rope for a superplex but Cena pushes him off. Cena hits a diving legdrop off the top but immediately crumples up in pain. That may not have been the wisest move for a man with a bad leg. He slowly goes for the cover but Dash kicks out. Cena goes for the five knuckle shuffle but his leg buckles before he can drop it and Dash pops up and hits a spinebuster for a nearfall.
Corey Graves praises Dash for taking The Champ to the limit and says this may be the most impressive singles performance of his career so far. Dash sets up for the double knee facebuster but Cena pushes him off and connects with a huge lariat. Both men are down and slowly rise as the refs count nears 10. Cena lifts Dash for the Attitude Adjustment but his legs give way again and he falls to the mat. Dash smiles and seems to smell blood. He goes to pick Cena up but The Champ catches him in a crucifix pin. 1... 2... 3! Cena wins! Dash is shocked and Cena needs the referee to help him to his feet as he hands him his title. The experience of a champion proved to be invaluable tonight as Cena found a way to get the job done when the pressure was on.
    After a commercial break, a pterodactyl screech rings throughout the arena, and the BPW Universe rise to their feet to boo
Paige as she skips down to the ring with
Mandy Rose and
Liv Morgan. Paige says that for the last two weeks, everyone has been asking her, "Why?" so she's here to explain. Just like when she was on the sidelines, unused for months, Liv and Mandy have sat dormant on FNBF, so she took them under her wing and taught them how to make a statement; starting with Naomi. On that note, Paige's scheduled opponent,
Mickie James' theme hits, and the veteran makes her way to the ring with a mic. Mickie says that she used to respect Paige, but Liv and Mandy are rookies, and if they wanna makes names for themselves here in BPW, they can start by earning it - like she did. Liv and Mandy finally speak, with Liv breaking the news to Mickie that she's old and washed up. Mandy agrees, telling Mickie that this is their time, and they'll retire her themselves if they have to. Mickie contemplates this threat for a second... and then she Thesz presses Mandy to a pop! Paige pulls Mickie off of Mandy and the official calls for the bell so the match can get underway, while Liv and Mandy flee the ring.
    In a match that has NFA's women's division quaking, Mickie reminds us why we put respeckk on her name by getting the better of Paige; until Liv Morgan clambers onto the ring apron to argue with the ref. With his back turned, Mandy slides into the ring and spins Mickie around, paying her back for earlier with a hard forearm shot that echoes throughout the arena. Mickie stumbles right into a Rampaige following the shot, which puts her down for the one-two-three. Liv and Mandy re-enter the ring to raise Paige's hands in victory, but her theme is suddenly interrupted by
Naomi's! The Glowworm SPRINTS down the ramp and Paige emphatically gestures for Liv and Mandy to stop her. The two blondes rolls out of the ring to cut Naomi off at the pass, but she sends them both flying with a double dropkick! Naomi then hits a kip-up in time to block a right hand by Paige, before hitting a few of her own and throwing her back in the ring. Naomi slides in after her and throws more forearms than I can count, before whipping Paige into the ropes and hitting the Rear View! Liv and Mandy quickly fish Paige of the ring and support her weight whilst FLEEING to the stage, and Naomi's theme hits once again as she kneels down to check on Legend James.
    Backstage, we see the Universal Champion,
Jeff Hardy, standing outside of the men's room with a plastic cup. He sighs and steps inside, walking up to a urinal. He's just about to unzip when a bald man in a business suit walks up and unzips at the urinal beside him. Jeff turns to look at the man, then at all of the empty urinals along the wall, and decides against it, turning to use a stall instead. He opens the door and steps inside one, but before he can close the door on us, someone clears their throat to get his attention. "Psst! Down here." The voice is coming from a glory hole, and Jeff kneels down to see an eye looking up at him. "Sorry man, this isn't really my thing..." Jeff tries to explain. "What? No!" the voice says. The eye disappears and there's a commotion inside the stall, and then the door opens to reveal
Fandango, dressed in a janitor's coveralls. Jeff takes a defensive step back. "Look man, I'm sorry about last week. It was just business." Before Fandango can say anything, the bald man from before enters the shot on the other side of Jeff. "That's okay," he says, pulling his bald cap back to reveal himself to be
Tyler Breeze. "The viewers had forgotten we were tag champs anyways." he says (
and all three men briefly look into the camera to break the fourth wall). Fandango agrees that there're no hard feelings. "Believe it or not, we're here because we believe the Carters have it out for you." Fandango warns him. "You know, I've had my suspicions." Jeff plays along. "That Ricardo Rodriguez guy? He's no steroid dealer!" Fandango scoffs. "We were so disappointed when we reached out to him." Breeze adds, earning a look from Jeff. "And then? When I was l cleaning Dixie's office earlier, I found this." Fandango reaches into his unzipped coveralls and pulls out a manila envelope. "You're... actually working as a janitor?" Jeff asks, hesitantly accepting the envelope. "Good benefits package." Fandango simply says, before getting back to his original point. "Drug test templates." he continues, revealing the envelope's contents. "Regardless of what that cup says, I'd expect the results to be positive." Breeze warns him. Jeff mulls this over, and then shakes Breezango's hands, thanking them for their help. "But uh... if you guys don't mind?" Jeff gestures to the cup in his hand. "Not at all." Breeze shrugs, without actually going anywhere. "You wont even know we're here..." Fandango adds, never breaking eye contact with Jeff as he backs into the stall, before reappearing at the glory hole, still looking up at him.
    Back in the ring,
Johnny Gargano is standing by to face off against former World Champion,
Tiarnán. The crowd continues to turn on Tiarnán, even participating in a session of "boo!" "yay!" "boo!" "yay!" as Tiarnán and Gargano exchange blows. The crowd finally begins to get to Tiarnán, and they distract him long enough for Gargano to come back, finishing Tiarnán off with a Hurts Donut to a huge pop from the crowd. Gargano celebrates to a standing ovation while Tiarnán looks around at the crowd, hurt and confused.
    It's time for more women's action, and
Candice LeRae is standing by to take on one half of
The Iconic Duo, Peyton Royce, with Billie Kay in her corner. This should be a walk in the park for Candice, after defeating both women in what was essentially a handicap match last week. As the three women wait in the ring, they notice there is no referee for the match. Suddenly,
Jessica's music hits, and the sultry redhead makes her way to the ring in stripes. Jessica orders the bell to ring, and it does, so we have a special referee match on our hands. Billie and Peyton complain but Jessica orders Billie to the outside and the match officially begins. The match is a good back and forth contest, with Jessica surprisingly calling it straight down the middle. That is until Billie attempts to climb on the apron, only to end up on the receiving end of a baseball slide from Jessica! Peyton gets in Jessica's face, allowing Candice to hit a clutch suplex from behind for the pin! After the match, Jessica raises Candice's hand in victory, perhaps coming in a little too close and invading her personal space each time Candice attempts to back away.
    After another commercial break,
Baron Corbin makes his way to the ring to face off against
Jayzero in his FNBF debut. Before the bell,
Tyler Bate's theme hits, and the confident young Brit made his way out to ringside, giving Jay a little wave before joining
Corey Graves and
Mauro Ranallo on commentary. Jay plays cat and mouse with Corbin for most of the quick match, before finally ending up on the outside near the commentary table. Once Jay is within arms length of Tyler, he turns and delivers a cheap bitch slap before running back into the ring. Tyler runs right after Jay and tackles him in the ring, causing a DQ. An irate Corbin pulls Tyler off of Jay and takes him down with a clothesline! Jay slips out of the ring as Corbin lifts Tyler up for a Deep Six, laying him out in an almost mirror image of last week. Corbin storms off up the ramp, heard muttering, "I'm tired of this shit." as Jay slides back into the ring, looking down at his fallen foe. Tyler attempts to get up to his feet, but Jay plants him with a Zero Hour! Jay drags Bate to the corner and sets him up, placing his foot on Tyler's chest and smiling to the crowd. The crowd boos as Jay backs up and then hits Tyler with a Nut Buster, adding insult to injury. Jay leaves up the ramp as Bate recovers in the ring, staring daggers at Jay as he mocks Tyler's wave back at him.
    Backstage,
Brandon is standing outside of The Revival's dressing room and knocks on the door to check on Dash after his match with John Cena; only it's
Scott Dawson who opens the door. The two men are visibly embarrassed to see each other after the last couple of weeks, and Brandon awkwardly attempts to excuse himself, but before he can, Dawson grabs his arm and steps into the hallway, closing the door behind him. He says he's been meaning to talk to Brandon... about this thing between them. Brandon glances down at Dawson's bulge, stating that his 'thing' has already gotten enough attention. Dawson ignores Brandon, saying that there's obviously a mutual attraction between them, but they can't let that interfere with their careers, because he and Dash plan on finally winning the tag titles this year, and he isn't gonna let Brandon get in the way of that. Crossing his arms, Brandon shrugs. He agrees, saying that he'd never wanna sneak around behind Dash's back anyways. Especially not with his best friend. No matter... how tempted he might be. As both men are talking, they slowly lean into one another. Brandon uncrosses his arms, and Dawson looks down at Brandon's lips, before attacking them with his own! Brandon slides his hand over Dawson's hairy chest, while Scott slams Brandon's body against his own. The kiss only lasts for a moment before Brandon pushes Dawson off of him, making a 😳 face. "Whelp. Good talk." Dawson says in a panic, stepping back into The Revival's dressing room and slamming the door in Brandon's face. Brandon blinks several times before wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and hurrying off in confusion.
    In our third women's contest of the evening (
where you at, NFA?),
Ember Moon is out to put her Women's Championship on the line against
Carmella, whose accompanied by
James Ellsworth. With the Carters granting her this match and Ellsworth in her corner, Carmella is confident she's already secured the bag, evident by her smirk as the official raises the title between him. When he calls for the bell, Carmella comes in hot for a clothesline, but Ember ducks it, and she hits a spin-out sitout powerbomb and makes the cover to successfully retain! Oh my God! That might've been the shortest match in BPW history! Now it's Ember's turn to smirk as the ref awards her the title, and Carmella is at a loss for words while a dumbstruck James Ellsworth tries to ask her what happened.
    It's now time for our main event, where the careers of
Father William and
Zelina Vega are on the line against
Drew Gulak and
Taryn Terrell, and the match is lit as hell. Drew puts Father William in a tree of woe and slides out of the ring to pull on his face until a four count, and then when he backs up upon the official's warning, Zelina hits a running hurricanrana off the apron. Back in the ring, Drew gets Burke in an electric chair position, allowing Taryn to climb the turnbuckle and hit a big diving crossbody. Drew locks in a crossface Indian deathlock that has Father William on the verge of tapping, but Zelina saves the match with a spike hurricanrana, which brings Taryn into the fray, spearing and catfighing with Zelina! Father William re-enters the ring by grabbing a handful of Taryn's hair, and he licks his chomps as he pulls her off of Vega. Carefully spinning around to face Father William, Taryn rears back to slap him, but Father William blocks it. He then scoops her up for a body slam, and proceeds to carry her around the ring, asking the booing audience if he should do it. This allows Taryn to wiggle free and land on her feet behind him - where she kicks him right in the rosary beads. Father William groans and cups his nuts in both hands, allowing Taryn to grab the hem of his cassock and violently pull it over his head. Father William struggles to maintain his dignity, but Taryn strips him like this is an evening gown match, leaving the holy man in nothing but his blue, metallic thong! Taryn adds insult to injury by dropping Father William with a cutter, and she pins him herself! Taryn jumps in Drew's arms upon their victory, while outside the ring, Zelina gets in Father William's face. Because of him, she'll now be deported! Father William tries to explain, but Zelina rolls her eyes and slaps the taste out of his mouth! Father Williams flails his arms and falls to the floor while Zelina stomps off, having now lost both of his disciples! But his night isn't over yet. Drew Gulak taps a microphone to test that it's on, and then alerts everyone's attention to the tron, where he's prepared a power point presentation for this special occasion. A few fans boo, but most laugh when they recognize the lyrics to "Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye." Drew and Taryn lead the audience in singing Father William out, and he does his best to cover himself whilst fleeing to the back.
    It's now time for Jeff Hardy's drug test, and
The Carter Family are standing in the ring with the smuggest of smiles, along with the (
handsome!) doctor, who has Jeff's urine sample, and the test results in hand. EC3 says that he knows Jeff is in no hurry to fail this test on national television, but to please join them so they can get Jeff's suspension over with and award him the Universal title. After a beat,
Jeff Hardy's theme hits to a pop, and the Universal Champion does join the Carters in the ring. Before the doctor can reveal his test results, EC3 says that he's impressed. He figured Jeff would forgo the test and just take the suspension to spare himself the embarrassment of failing. "Now your daughters are gonna know all about their drug addict daddy." EC3 finishes. The audience gasps and Jeff gets in EC3's face, but Dixie puts her arm between them and eases Jeff back. "Jeff, before we reveal these results, I'd like to thank you for your cooperation." she says. Dixie adds that she'll take his professionalism into consideration
should these results be positive. "Get on with it, Aunt D!" EC3 shouts. Tiffany tries to calm him by stroking his shoulder, but he looks down at his Rolex and makes an incredulous face like this is cutting into their dinner reservations. Without further adieu, the doctor opens the envelope with Jeff's tests results, and he says that after having the urine sample tested, "The results unfortunately came back pos-" before he can finish his sentence, Jeff snatches the results out of his hand, ripping the paper to pieces. Startled, the (
handsome!) doctor backs away. Jeff says that they all know this is crap, and the Carters are trying to set him up because their little golden boy can't beat him one on one. Instead of getting angry, EC3 says that the test doesn't lie. He then takes the urine sample from the doctor, twists the lid off, and takes a big whiff. "Mmm!" he sighs. "There's nothing like the smell of
another Jeff Hardy wellness violation!" Jeff narrows his eyes at EC3, and he responds by smacking EC3's hand, splashing him with the urine sample! Tiffany and Dixie even get splashed, standing on either side of Ethan. Dixie backs away and looks down at stains on her shirt with her arms spread out, Tiffany squeals and starts fanning herself and freaking out, and EC3 stands there with his eyes closed and his jaw on the floor, and Jeff follows up by dropping him with a Twist of Fate before he can retaliate! Dixie and Tiffany are immediately at EC3's side while Jeff raises his title and soaks in one of the biggest ovations we've ever heard here in BPW! The ladies help EC3 sit up as Jeff exits the ring and backs up the ramp, stopping to dance atop the stage as EC3 stares at him with the vein in his forehead about to pop to close our show.
I'm anticipating Jason's eventual comeuppance.
He's reaching Dolph Ziggler levels of irrelevance.
Whew, at least I got a decent send-off though. If losing to Jason Jordan had really been my last appearance I would've immediately put out a shoot interview burying all of you.