NO FATTIES ALLOWED - EPISODE 114
Fresh off a disastrous live sex celebration, BP World Champion
Dolph Ziggler kicked off No Fatties Allowed, wheeling out his manager
Tiffany in a tricked out wheelchair that would make Professor X jealous. Dolph and Tiffany, who was also sporting a bedazzled neck brace, were joined by Beautiful Persons legal executive,
David Otunga. Tiffany played up her 'injuries' while Dolph said John Cena went too far last week, putting his hands on a defenseless woman. They said Beautiful Persons has become an unsafe working environment, and they plan on taking legal action against John Cena, and all of Beautiful Persons.
Brad Maddox came out to calm things down, saying Sable was busy dealing with international paperwork for You Only Live Once. Maddox and Otunga almost put the arena to sleep talking legal jargon until they were saved by
John Cena coming down to the ring. Otunga got in Cena's face and ate and Attitude Adjustment for his troubles. Dolph took the opportunity to attack Cena from behind but ended up on the former champ's shoulders himself. Tiffany stood up and pushed her wheelchair into the back of Cena's legs, saving Dolph from an AA. Dolph, Tiffany and Otunga retreated up the ramp as
Sable appeared on the tron. She told Otunga since he wanted to stick his nose into her YOLO main event, tonight he can have his own main event, against John Cena!
In our first match of the night,
Darren Young, accompanied by
JoJo, took on the current BP Intercontinental Champion
Fandango, who as always danced his way to the ring with his red rose,
Jessica. Fandango's paranoia continued from last week as he repeatedly stopped the match, accusing Darren of touching him inappropriately. Jessica tried to interfere on her man's behalf, leading JoJo to get in her face. Jessica laughed at the rookie bombshell, shoving her on her ass. JoJo got back to her feet, grabbed a handful of Jessica's signature red hair, and yanked her to the ground. JoJo attempted to strip off Jessica's dress off but security pulled the girls apart. Fandango was distracted by the commotion, allowing Darren Young to roll up and pin the champion! Darren and JoJo celebrated by breakdancing up the ramp as Fandango and Jessica cursed them from the ring.
BurkeZero arrived backstage less than 24 hours after their humiliating Playgirl magazine spread hit the shelves. Jay donned sunglasses trying to hide his face, while Burke walked with extra swagger, flaunting his new infamy thinking the spread went great. They walked through the hallways with their fellow superstars and bombshells pointing and snickering as they went by.
Devin Taylor approached the duo for an impromptu interview, asking them about their magazine, losing the tag team titles, and Eva Marie walking out on them last week. Finally, Devin pulled out a giant bag of fan mail in response to their Playgirl issue. The two men perked up upon hearing of their new fans, until Devin informed them that most of the mail was postmarked from San Francisco. Burke's ego finally began to die so they tried to seek shelter in the men's restroom, running into a judging
Seth Rollins walking out as they walked in. Once they got inside, it only got worse, as their old rival
Brandon was busy primping in the mirror. He smirked, mocking them for their recent misfortunes, but congratulated them on their magazine saying they actually looked good.
"I don't remember it being so cold in the studio when I posed for them tho." Brandon cackled out of the bathroom while Jay began throwing a fit. Burke tried to console his partner, pulling him in for a calming embrace, when
Ron Simmons walked out of the stall behind them. BurkeZero looked up at the BP Legend in anticipation....
DAMN!It was time for Bombshell action when
AJ Lee,
Summer Rae,
Paige and
Natalya met in a four corners match to determine a #1 contender for
Emma, who served as the special guest referee. Emma was too busy #Emmataining the masses to really officiate the match, allowing all four Bombshells to spill into the ring. Summer leveled Paige with a spinning heel kick, before being taken down by a discus clothesline from Nattie, who was then neutralized herself courtesy of AJ's Shining Wizard. AJ proceeded to skip around the ring, shouting that she was the "Best in the world!" with a wink. But when she tried to apply the Black Widow to Paige, she reversed it into the Paige Turner for the win! Emma excitedly thrust Paige's arm into the air and tried to celebrate with a dance, but Paige pulled away and side eyed the Women's Champion distrustfully. She did know this made them opponents... right?
Emma left the ring as
Rockstar Spud's music hit and he made his way to the ring with
The British Cronies in tow. Spud told Paige she was too good to be hanging out with a loser like Tarry, and she needs to be with a real man, like him. When Paige shut him down, Barrett and Magnus held her as Spud tried to force himself onto her.
THE Tarrynator ran to the ring causing Spud to head for the hills. Tarry cleared the ring of the Cronies who retreated up the ramp. Tarry told Spud he's had enough of him running his mouth, and challenged him to a match so he can finally shut him up. Spud said if Tarry wanted a match, then he'd get it at You Only Live Once, so he can embarrass him in their home country. But only if he can beat the British Cronies first, in a gauntlet match. Tarry stopped to laugh, surprised that they were actually calling themselves the British Cronies. It's the dumbest name ever. At least his factions had cool names. Tarry continued mocking the Cronies, even shortening their name to the Bronies. A large Bronies chant broke out as Spud screamed for the crowd to shut up. Tarry accepted Spud's challenge for YOLO, and promised to kick his arse.
Bayley was still fangirling over the BP Tag Team Champions
Tiarnán and
Sami Zayn this week, even wearing an
"I <3 Támi" shirt. Bayley said they really are the greatest tag team champions ever. No one can beat them.
The BroMans were standing nearby and took exception to that, saying if Támi was so great, why didn't they defend the belts against them tonight. Tiarnán tried to say they already defended the belts last week but Bayley cut him off, accepting the match on Támi's behalf. Tiarnán tried to calm her down but Sami convinced him to accept the match. T side-eyed Bayley as she jumped for joy saying she couldn't wait to see them in action again.
It was time for the in-ring debate between
Brandon and
Damien Sandow. Two podiums were setup in the ring for each man as
Renee Young overseen the proceedings. Renee said whoever won the best of 3 topics would win the debate. The first topic, being tax season, was budget and taxes. After delivering a long winded speech that would put our founding fathers to sleep, Sandow arrogantly passed the question to Brandon for his rebuttal. Brandon shrugged, saying he appreciates states with no sales tax. Renee said she had to award the win to Sandow, before moving on to question 2: Should fighting be tolerated on the Bad Girls Club? Sandow scoffed at the question but Brandon perked up and answered the question without skipping a beat
"...in closing; They should be sent home because violence is intolerable - unless they're pretty, then it's the other girl's fault for being a hater." Sandow accused the contest of being rigged and dumbed down in Brandon's favor. He refused to lower himself to answer a question about reality television, so Renee awarded the point to Brandon. The final topic, was to debate the Theory of Quantum Entanglement. Brandon's eyes widened and Sandow chuckled to himself, allowing his opponent to answer first, knowing he had the debate in the bag. After a short pause, Brandon leaned into the microphone and with a serious, confident tone let out a spiel going on and on about the topic. Damien Sandow's jaw dropped and his eyes grew wider and wider with each passing word such as byzantine, counterintuitive, and capricious. Sandow became irate, accusing Renee and Brandon of cheating, pushing over his podium. Brandon told Sandow his acrimony wasn't a good look, causing the intellectual savior of the masses to take a swing at the blonde boy toy. Brandon proved he had the brawn as well as the brains as he side stepped Sandow and leveled him with the Weapon of Ass Destruction. Brandon sent Sandow flying over the top rope as Renee declared him the winner, holding up his hand in victory.
In our next match,
Daniel Bryan took on
Dean Ambrose of the Shield. It didn't stay 1-on-1 for long, as the other Shield members,
Seth Rollins and
Roman Reigns, attacked Bryan mid-match, causing a DQ. Bryan received the same beatdown as CM Punk did last week, ending with a Triple Powerbomb in the center of the ring.
Footage was shown of
The Funkadactyls' appearance on Conan last night, where they plugged the new #1 show on BP Network: Total Bombshells. When Conan tried to play a clip of Cameron and Naomi from the show, a clip of
The Bella Twins was shown instead. The Funkadactyls were clearly confused, until Nikki and Brie sauntered out from backstage and joined them on the couch. The women exchanged shade until Naomi lost her cool and hip bumped Brie off the couch.
"Girl, bye!" Cameron waved. Before Conan knew it Brie speared Naomi over the back of the couch, while Nikki tackled Cameron onto his desk, slamming his mug on the floor in a fit of rage. The Funkadactyls screamed as the twins put a Bella Beatdown™ on 'em, before security came through and carried all four Bombshells to the back. With the interview ruined and his set a mess, Conan looked into the camera with an deadpan expression. "My next guest..."
Tiarnán and
Sami Zayn, or as Bayley dubbed them, Támi, were out to defend their BP Tag Titles against the
BroMans.
Bayley once again made her way to ringside to get a closer view of the action, despite Tiarnán telling her to leave. When
Zema Ion got on the apron to distract Sami, Bayley yanked his already sagging pants down around his ankles, causing him to stumble to the mat. After a back and forth match, Tiarnán hit the Sunset Flip on Robbie E to retain the titles once again. Bayley jumped in the ring with the belts, wrapping her arms around her idol and celebrating their win.
After a break,
BurkeZero finally found the courage to show their faces in public again, asking
Eva Marie to meet them in the ring. Eva came out, already looking completely over their shit. BurkeZero begged Eva to take them back. They've had the worst week without her. They lost the tag titles, they lost their manager, and their Playgirl didn't go as good as smoothly as she said it would. And even worse, Burke added, the Total Bombshell cameras stopped following them around. Jay apologized for Burke, saying they really do care more about just having Eva herself back than the cameras. And besides, he knows she only really walked off last week cause it was that time of the month. Eva's jaw dropped in disgust and she started to walk away but BurkeZero apologized and begged her to stay. Eva said they're both complete idiots, but she knew that going in. So she'll take them back, but she doesn't manage losers. So if they lose again, she's through with them. They promised to never lose again and shared a group hug, once again a happy trio.. for now.
It was time for the main event, as the former champ
John Cena took on Tiffany's new personal attorney,
David Otunga.
Tiffany and
Dolph Ziggler were out on commentary, with Tiffany still riding around in her wheelchair. When confronted by JR about standing up with ease earlier tonight, Tiffany said that adrenaline can make people accomplish amazing feats, even overcoming crippling injuries. John Cena made quick work of Otunga, laying him out with an AA and making him tap to the STF. As Cena celebrated, Ziggler attacked him from behind with the World Title. Tiffany stood up, folding her wheelchair and handed it to Dolph. (JR: "And there she goes again, standing up without so much as a limp!" - King: "That's that adrenaline kicking in again, JR!") Dolph hit Cena repeatedly with the folded wheelchair, leaving him laid out, with Tiffany, Otunga and Ziggler standing tall with the title as No Fatties Allowed came to an end.
