B Fizzle's Spoilerific Piranha Review:For the most part, the plight of the movie is about the main character, Jake, who is stuck babysitting his younger siblings all spring break while his mom (the sheriff) is busy trying to figure out what killed this old dude in the lake. While picking his little sister up from band practice or something, he runs into Kelly Brook (playing a porn star), and then Jerry O'Connell (playing a porn mogul), who offers him a job showing them around the lake for their shoot the next day. He accepts, and pays his little brother and sister hush money so they wont snitch on him. They comply because they don't want his ass around anyways. Of course they disobey like the bad chaps that they are and row out to a small island to play, where they let the boat float away. SMDH.
Homeboy goes to work and runs into his crush at the marina. She sees the porno girls on the boat and calls them idiots (hater) and he tries to play it off like he isn't rolling with them (whatever, they're hotter than her). O'Connell sees him talking to her and asks her if she would like to join them. Jake says she wouldn't, but just to show out she says she will, and goes off with them.
The porno girls skinny dip together to the tune of classical music. Awesome.
These two nameless divers jump into the lake while the sheriff and some scientist guy monitor what they're doing from the boat. They swim down into the piranhas' cave and find all of these fish eggs, only to get their asses devoured. The sheriff and scientist try to pull one of them into the boat, and a piranha is clinging onto her with the jaws of life.
As he's filming, Jake notices his little brother and sister waving for help on the island, and tells O'Connell that they have to go pick them up. They argue like bitches, before Jake namedrops mom dukes and they finally go get the little bastards.
The sheriff and scientist take the straggler piranha to the old dude from Back to the Future, who's apparently a fish expert or something. He tells them the piranha is from dino days, and should have died millions of years ago. They come to the conclusion that the piranha have been living in the cave the whole time, reproducing and eating each other. Neanderthals.
The big spring break massacre was like, the biggest blood bath since Carrie. People getting cut in half by rogue cables, cut up with boat motors, scalped by propellers, and for the most part, being ate the fuck up. Awesome.
As the porn boat pulls up to the island to pick the kids up, they get their asses stuck along the rocks, and they begin to sink. The piranha run a train on them while the main character calls his mommy like a little bitch. She hauls ass to pick them up and the irrelevant scientist character goes with her. Jake's not girlfriend is in the cabin downstairs, which is flooding, and she can't get out through the skylight because its locked. The mama, of course, wants to leave her (lol), but Jake's ~in love and isn't trying to hear that. He stays behind while the other characters shimmy along a rope to the police boat, and pushes a half eaten O'Connell into the water (lololol) to distract the piranha while he goes for his main squeeze. Obviously a delinquent, Jake makes a homemade bomb out of gas canisters. The two of them take entirely too long kissing and ohemgee'ing, but get pulled to safety by a rope he's tethered to just before the piranha stick their fins up their asses. The piranha get blown out of the water (literally) and everyone is happy to be alive. Well, you know, except for those who aren't. Of course now is the perfect time for Dr. Fish to call and say the piranha they brought him is only a bb. Now, instead of hitting the deck at that moment like I would have, the frivolous scientist decides to shrug and asks where the parents are. Cue the final scare to answer his question and roll the credits. Goodnight, thank you for coming, please drop your 3D glasses in the return bin by the exit (hell no, I paid $2 for these, but that's neither here nor there).
I have to say this movie did not disappoint. I knew exactly what I was getting into, and she gave me what I needed. If you're a fan of gore, half naked co-eds, and general awesomeness, go see this movie. You'll love it.
Random Notes:Richard Dreyfuss played the opening kill, fishing and singing that same God damned song from Jaws, when the tremor opens up the lake floor, setting the piranha free.
Ving Rhames played a police officer and had a heroic death. While the survivors were getting onto shore he got into the water and lured the piranha to him because he was bleeding, then he started chopping them up with a boat motor while they ate him.
Kelly Brook was my favorite character in the movie. She kind of reminded me of a sexed up Pink Ranger. She looked out for the main character by trying to hook him up with his crush, and she watched after his little brother and sister when they got onto the boat. She ended up eating it when she was shimmying across the rope to the police boat though. The piranhas jumped up and bit her hair, dragging her into the water.
Jerry O'Connell was a huge douche in this movie. He kept pushing the main character around and trying to persuade his underage crush to participate in the porn shoot. He only went to get the main character's little brother and sister when he told him that his mom was the sheriff (then he casually wiped the coke from his nose, lol). Then he choked the man out and pulled the nameless porn star into the water as they crashed into the rocks, then pushed her into the piranha as they circled them. When he was finally pulled out of the water, he was nothing but bone from the waist down, followed by a shot of the piranha fighting over his penis, only for the winner to spit the nasty dick out. Awesome.
