NO FATTIES ALLOWED - EPISODE 109
We begin with our Tag Team Champions,
BurkeZero, who are accompanied by their new valet,
Eva Marie. They're out to scout potential contenders, as
Tiarnán and
Sami Zayn prepare to take on
Goldust and
Cody Rhodes. As they settle into their seats on commentary, they notice there are only two extra chairs. BurkeZero quietly argue over who's lap Eva Marie will sit on, only for them to turn around and see
Jerry Lawler help her onto his. During the match, King compliments Eva Marie on her BeautifulPersons.com photo shoot where she wears nothing but the tag titles. BurkeZero agree and say he should see the outtakes that feature them.
Jim Ross asks about their big victory, which both men open their mouths to take credit for. After verbally stumbling over one another, Jayzero says he did it for Eva Marie. "
We did it for Eva Marie." Burke corrects him. "Of course!" Jayzero agrees. He goes on to say they do
everything as a team, and both men cut their eyes to Eva Marie and grin - causing J.R. to grimace just as Tiarnán hits the snap reverse DDT on Cody, making him and Sami BurkeZero's #1 contenders.
Backstage, we catch up with our other tag champs:
The Funkadactyls. They're being interviewed by
Renee Young about their big win when they're unceremoniously interrupted by
Foxsana. Aksana says it isn't fair they won the
Women's Tag Team Championship, and that Cameron shouldn't have been allowed to team with Kofi Kingston. Naomi steps up but Cameron holds her back. She reminds them they were the first team eliminated, and the only unfair treatment they've received is from hair and make-up. "Girl, bye." Cameron snaps and whips her luscious locks in Foxsana's faces before strutting off with her fellow Funkadactyl.
Back in the ring,
Cesaro,
Austin Aries and
Daniel Bryan meet in a triple threat to determine the #1 contender to Fandango's Intercontinental title. During the match,
Fandango's music hits and he waltzes out with
Jessica. The distraction allows Bryan to roll Aries up, but Aries rolls through and grabs a handful of tights. Before the referee can reach three, Bryan kicks out and sends Aries crashing into Cesaro - knocking him to the outside. As Aries stumbles back, Bryan rolls him up with a schoolboy for the one-two-three.
We see
The Bella Twins watching the show on a monitor in the back. They're applauding Daniel Bryan's victory when they're suddenly joined by
Summer Rae. Summer tells Brie she wouldn't be so excited if she were her, because Bryan getting closer to Fandango and the Intercontinental title also means getting closer to Jessica, and as she can attest, that's not a good thing. Brie laughs Summer's warning off and says her man wont stray so easily. Summer says Brie shouldn't be so sure of herself. After all, Bryan and Jessica have history. Nikki comes to her sister's defense and tells Summer that just because she lost her man to Jessica doesn't mean Brie will, too. She also advises Summer that unless she wants to lose something else, she needs to leave. Now. Summer and the Bellas glare at one another, but ultimately she decides she's not ready for Twin Magic and backs away.
Back in the arena, recent NFA fan favorite
Darren Young makes his way to the ring for one on one action when three men dressed in black fatigues jump the barricade and ambush him.
The Shield attack D-Young until he's incapacitated. Darren tries to use Roman Reigns to pull himself up, and Reigns stares down at him homoerotically before kicking him on his back. The Shield stand tall over Darren's sprawled out body, having made their mark on the NFA Universe.
After a break,
THE Tarrynator makes his way to the ring and he's accompanied by his British cohorts,
Magnus,
Rockstar Spud,
Paige and the man who helped him win on Sunday:
Wade Barrett. THE Tarrynator says he's created an all new powerhouse stable that will go down in the history books. Before he can christen them with a name, the lights go out in the arena. "We're here." is whispered as a smooth bass line begins to play, and
The Wyatt Family slowly walk onto the stage, making their NFA debut. Bray sits in his rocking chair, speaking in riddles and sending THE Tarrynator cryptic warnings before the lights go out again with a scream of, "Death!" When the lights turn back on, the Wyatt's are gone. Inside the ring, THE Tarrynator gulps.
In our third #1 contender match of the evening,
Taryn Terrell faces
Gail Kim to determine who will get a shot at our new Women's Champion. Speaking of whom,
Emma's music hits and she marches onto the stage. With the Women's title around her waist, Emma dances her way to commentary and everyone joins in - even Taryn. Gail looks disgusted, however. While Taryn and Gail lock up,
King and
J.R. get to know Emma better. She says she's here to start an #Emmalution and bring #Emmatainment to NFA, and makes other various Emma-puns. In the ring, Gail reverses an Irish whip into an Eat Defeat, securing her spot as Emma's #1 contender.
After the match,
Emma joins
Gail Kim in the ring to shake her hand, but Gail refuses. Instead of being deterred, Emma thrusts her extended hand in the air and starts dancing, while Gail looks her up and down like she's an idiot. Emma's fun comes to an end when her music is replaced by
Lei'D Tapa's. The Samoan giantess stomps down to the ring, and Gail finally seems to be on the same page with Emma as they prepare to take her on together. But when Tapa climbs into the ring, Gail attacks Emma from behind. Gail pulls the Women's Champion to her feet and holds her in place for a big boot, before pulling Emma up and throwing her to Tapa once more, and this time she puts her away with a fireman's carry stunner. With Emma lying lifelessly in the ring, Tapa holds the ropes open for Gail and they make their way to the back.
It's couple vs. couple as
Tyson Kidd and
Natalya join forces to take on
Brooke and
Robbie E, who's accompanied by his bros in crime,
Jessie Godderz and
Zema Ion. Brooke and Robbie spend more time fighting each other than their opponents, and their miscommunication allows Natalya to lock the Sharpshooter in on Brooke. After the match, Brooke scolds Robbie in front of his boys and tries to tell him to leave them. With an apologetic shrug, Robbie says bros before hoes and leaves with The BroMans.
We cut to the back, where we see
Brandon playing on his iPhone. "You are the most beautiful creature I've ever seen." someone off-camera says. This catches Brandon's interest, and he raises his brow. "By far the hottest blonde boy in all of NFA." the voice continues. Brandon smiles. He turns around to meet his admirer, but his expression falls when he sees that it's only
Tyler Breeze - and he's talking to himself. Breeze looks up from his iPhone and notices Brandon scoffing, before asking if he'd like to take a picture. "Sure." Brandon shrugs, before stepping beside Breeze to pose with him. "No, I meant of me." Breeze says, annoyed. Brandon asks if this is a joke, to which Breeze says the only joke is Brandon thinking he'd take a pic with him. Brandon gestures to his own iPhone and says Breeze might want to check out how many retweets his last nude got. Breeze says he gets way more likes on Instagram than Brandon. "Oh yeah?" Brandon says they'll see what the NFA Universe thinks next week, because he's challenging Breeze to a selfie-off! Breeze gasps, but quickly saves face and accepts. At the same time, both men spin around and storm off in opposite directions.
Our main event is a battle royal to determine a #1 contender for John Cena, who suffered a minor injury thanks to the incompetent Batista. However,
King and
J.R. assure us he'll be back in no time.
Mr. Anderson is the first to be eliminated, and he's quickly followed by
Sheamus.
CM Punk and
Dolph Ziggler vie for the MVP spot, tying in eliminations. Punk throws out
Ryback,
Randy Orton and
Ethan Carter III, who's immediately checked on by
Lana; while Dolph takes care of
Kane,
Big E. Langston and
The Miz, until they're the final two left. Punk whips Dolph towards the side of the ring, but Dolph reverses it and Punk goes over the top rope. He manages to catch himself on the apron, but Dolph hits a running dropkick that sends Punk soaring! Dolph runs to referee
Rod Zapata and offers his hand to be raised, but the ref informs him the match is still going. Dolph argues with the official until he turns around and sees that Punk landed on all fours on the announce table. While Dolph throws a tantrum and insists he's the winner, Punk politely asks
Tiffany if she could bring him a chair. "Alright, but I don't see what good it'll do." Tiffany shrugs as she hands Punk the chair he asked for. To her surprise, he stands in the chair and hops back to the ring! After picking her jaw up off the ground, Tiffany defends herself against Dolph, who can't believe her. While they argue, Punk slides in the ring behind Dolph and throws him over the top rope! The official raises Punk's hand in victory while Dolph glares at his valet. "Oop." Tiffany giggles nervously as this week's NFA comes to a close.
RIP
