Post by Burke on Dec 19, 2011 17:15:03 GMT -5
For many of us, our early teen years was defined by television. ABC’s TGIF filled every Friday night as it brought families together with programming that we could all relate to in completely different ways. Then, of course, we’d get up every Saturday morning (because Tivo was still a twinkle in eye of Al Gore or whoever invented it.) to watch the shows that were specifically geared towards us, the tweens. We didn’t call ourselves tweens because we weren’t dickholes. However, we were gullible. Specifically in the area of Saved by the Bell. As mindlessly positive and upbeat as Saved by the Bell was, sometimes the show had to take some liberties its writing. Let’s be honest, they lied to us. Things happened that aren’t even plausible, let alone believable and yet we swallowed it down like a Dungaroos/Shark Bites pre-lunch snack. Let’s take a look at six lies Saved by the Bell hoped we’d never notice.
1. Zack and Jesse’s “Movie Night”
Everyone remembers the episode when Jesse got addicted to “drugs.” She was on caffeine pills which is basically like drinking too many Red Bulls.
After Jesse has her musical breakdown Zack consoles her by reminding her of a time when they were kids and sneaked out to watch E.T. together. Zack reminded her that she was scared riding back home on her bike but they made it then and they’ll make it now.
THE LIE: Zack grew up in Indiana where Miss Bliss was his teacher and Jesse grew up in California. Who wouldn’t be scared taking a cross country bike ride as a child? She would have been like Forrest Gump with a perm. Nice try Zack but I highly doubt Jesse popped on her Livestrong bracelet and did the Iron Man across the US.
2. Screech Masters Artificial Intelligence
Besides his best friend Zack, (which is a mystery in its own) Screech has another best friend named Kevin. A robot that Screech apparently built. Kevin does menial tasks for Screech as well as expresses emotions and even sneezes! Is this how Skynet started??
THE LIE: You expect us to believe this child created an advanced artificial intelligence that surpasses anything on the market even years later? Screech had a better chance of railing Lisa Turtle at the Spring Fling than he did building this. Sorry guys, I’m afraid the jig is up.
3. We Struck Oil!
A very memorable episode is the one where they strike oil at Bayside High. Everyone is very excited as they imagine it will lead to an extravagant lifestyle for all the students. This luxury, however, comes with a cost that may be too much for the gang. Of course that cost is losing a few random park animals that the class has adopted and has clearly won their hearts. What decision will they make? Well God decides to make that choice for them as an oil spill takes the lives of all these “pets.” A line has now been drawn. It’s gone too far. Something must be done!
Zack bursts in to a meeting where the oil company is explaining how much this discovery is going to benefit the school, the city, and probably everyone in the country as gas prices would decrease with this motherload of oil they’ve just unearthed. Zack and the gang whine and cry about how this goldmine is going to do so much damage because “Hey, we won’t have a pond!” and God knows you can’t thrive without a pond. Zack then sprays oil all over the oilman’s shirt.
THE LIE: WHO CARES WHAT THIS DOUCHEBAG KID THINKS? We’re supposed to believe that the city shuts down the entire project because Zack cried over his oily duck? Seriously guys, I’ll accept the plot of Wes Craven movies but this is just over the line. The morale of this episode can be explained in this equation:
Ducks>Shirts>Oil
Never forget that kids. Never forget.
4. Screech Movie Magic
In Season 2 we come across an episode where the gang has Screech pose as an alien in order to get money from a publication called “The Blabber.” Shenanigans ensue when the government shows up and want to take Screech for testing. I have a feeling if testing were done when Screech’s mother was pregnant, we’d be one cast member short.
THE LIE: When the government agent shows up to get Screech he’s dressed as a pathetic excuse for an alien.
Screech, looking to fool the agent, then PULLS OFF HIS FACE revealing another alien mask.
After the agent runs off screaming, as any normal human being would, Screech removes that alien mask as well unveiling, once again, his normal face.
How did Screech peel off his face? Do we really need to delve much further into this lie? HE PULLED OFF HIS FACE for God sakes!
5. Zack is a Warlock
The gang didn’t go to school at Hogwarts. Zack did not have a Nimbus 2000. There were no magical powers of any kind, as it was supposed to be just a normal high school.
THE LIE: Then someone please tell me how Zack “Voldemort” Morris had the ability to FREEZE TIME. Everyone would be hanging out and laughing then all of a sudden Zack would summon his dark magic causing time and space to stand still. Although this lie is hard to swallow, it’s a good thing that pervert Screech never got ahold of this power of there would have been a lot of baby Turtles running around.
6. Where are Kelly and Jesse?
Kelly and Jesse were obviously intricate parts of the Saved by the Bell machine, or so we thought. After being the love interest of Zack and Slater for years one day they vanish. Now in reality we know that contract disputes were the reason for this, but as kids we just figured Hot Sundae became a duo and went on tour.
That’s when this “lady” comes along.
Tori Scott. For some reason Zack abandons his lifelong love of Kelly and jumps aboard the pleather train with Tori. She only hung around for half of season as Kelly and Jesse made their return soon after.
THE LIE: No one noticed Kelly and Jesse disappeared? Then, if that wasn’t enough, no one mentions them returning and Tori magically disappearing? Is this Lost? People are just vanishing and showing back up and it’s just normal behavior? Unless you’re Fringe’s Peter Bishop you should not be defining the laws of time and space. That joke would probably make a little more sense if a few dozen of you actually watched Fringe. Thanks for the lies Bayside. Clearly, you’ve weaseled your way into our hearts for all time.
This made me lol and I felt like posting it. Nothing else to see here. Feel free to move along now. Etc.
