Funny/Dumb/Etc Wrestling Comments

[Mutant Couch]

Isn't she a lesbian though? It's not like some of the male wrestlers didn't do favors for Pat Patterson. At least if they slept their way to the top they made it. Poor Madison... supposedly.

[Deleted]

Ariane and her creepy, whiny, clingy Despicable Me-looking boyfriend Vinnie

[Burke]

Talking about Sunday's Total Divas:

"Nikki get the fuck off John he's trying to fucking drive. Y'all are gonna die because you want the D."

[Brandon]

Bet it would have been worth it.

[Tarry]

Wrestling fan and Reddit user "illmurray" attended WWE's live event at the Pacific Coliseum in Vancouver, BC last night, but he and a friend did not experience the show quite like thousands of other WWE fans in attendance did. According to his hilarious and detailed live report, featured below, the fans took "about two grams of mushrooms" before arriving at the Coliseum.

At around a quarter to seven PM, I took about two grams of psilocybe cubensis mushrooms with another redditor at an undisclosed location. We then took the #135 bus deep into east Vancouver to see WWE live at the Agrodome [aka Pacific Coliseum].

The effects hit me strong when we get off the bus at Hastings and Renfrew. The mild stomach discomfort becomes a peculiar warm and cuddly sensation all over my body. We are both giggling as we walk towards the searchlights in the distance.

When we get into the arena, the opening match is already in progress and literally everyone in the arena is chanting 'Axel sucks.' We can't figure out how to get to the floor and end up walking up and down the stairs several times before we find our seats. I see an elderly Indian woman in a John Cena t-shirt and my eyes start watering for some reason.

Xavier Woods enters the ring wearing a sparkly jacket. His entrance video looks like an animated gif image. He becomes my favourite wrestler. During the match, I experience severe time dilation as Hunico gives him a backdrop and then puts him in a chinlock again and again. I feel as though the match is stuck in an infinite loop and Hunico will continue to backdrop Xavier Woods forever. They do this spot for what feels like five or six times before Xavier finally backflips out of it and takes Hunico to the woodshed. Someone behind me yells that Xavier Woods looks like Richard Pryor and I spend a lot of time thinking about whether that was racist or not, considering he doesn't.

There is a divas match. I am looking at AJ standing on the apron and it strikes me how before these people were characters on a TV show, electron pulses on a screen, and now I can see the light reflecting off AJ's midriff and I can see the texture of her skin in infinitesimal detail down to the pores. Tamina doesn't tag her in. I count AJ's ribs.

I look over at my friend and he is slowly waving his hand in front of his face and at first I think he is doing the Cena thing but then I realize he is also really high.

During Daniel Bryan and Randy Orton's match, Daniel elbows Orton in the face so hard that, swear to god, a bloody tooth flies out of his mouth. I feel like these two could wrestle eachother again and again for the next thousand years and it would never not be amazing. Orton does so many little things in the ring that are so perfect that you really have to watch him closely to pick up on, and it kills me that I have to boo him on principle because he's so good but Daniel Bryan is from the Pacific Northwest and weird looking and therefore My Guy.

I yell 'dishonourable discharge' at Orton when he's near my corner but he doesn't hear me.
Any time anyone goes on the microphone, all I can hear is 'womp womp womp womp womp womp.' Tony Chimel goes on the microphone and says 'womp womp womp womp womp fifteen minute intermission.'
I go to buy a Fandango t-shirt but they don't have any.

It is when Los Matadores come out around nine o'clock that I realize I am peaking. El Torito comes out and I begin screaming. I have never been as excited by anything in my life. I cannot put into words the elation I am experiencing watching him run down the rampway. I feel as though millions of years of human evolution and history have led to me being here, watching a small man in a bull costume jump on the ropes and wave at people. I start tearing up again and try to start an El Torito chant, but then 3MB comes out and all the brown kids freak out over Jinder Mahal. He has never, ever been more over than he was tonight.

My friend is disappointed that there are no other mini wrestlers to fight El Torito, but I say it was enough just to be blessed by his presence.

Fandango comes out. He is wearing a purple satin shirt, which I begin wilding out over, but not as hard as I was wilding for El Torito. Great Khali comes out and again the crowd goes crazy, but I am staring at Fandango as he teases taking off the satin shirt. I am losing my mind. Finally he takes off the shirt and the light hits his abs. I swear to god Fandango's body is sparkling, glowing. His abs are crystalline. I almost start crying for a third time because his body is so f***ing beautiful. We make eye contact and I become bonded to him in eternity.

'His face is shaped like a Pringle,' my friend says of Great Khali.

Fandango gets on the microphone. 'Vancouver womp womp womp womp womp dance,' he says. Fandango is a really great wrestler because his selling can actually create the illusion of Khali moving around.

The main event is CM Punk vs. Luke Harper. CM Punk is my favourite wrestler and the entire arena is chanting his name but I am already exhausted because I have marked out so severely and completely over Fandango's shirt and El Torito.

CM Punk gets on the microphone. 'Womp womp Vancouver womp womp womp womp womp,' he says. Everyone goes home happy. I feel exhausted. I get on the bus and go straight back downtown to eat a triple cheeseburger at A&W.
It was delicious.

---

Brilliant.

[Brandon]

AJ Lee Fan Meltdowns:

obviously!!! the Slammys are rigged which i see is no point seeing as why the fuck would they waste ALL THE MONEY to make a fucking app in the first place... AJ has her own t-shirt,the most popular diva to date and is so hot right now she is on fire...TBH WWE is a peice of shit

Nope. I am not just gonna clap. I clap what I want to clap. I am not a sheep that I am going to unwillingly clap for the Bella Twins. If I were at the show, I would have booed with my hands closed.

The fact the crowd booedthem just show that it was rigged! Wwe obviosly didn't wanted Aj to get a huge pop for that win and they wanted to keep the top stars' girlfriend happy plus you have to promote a BS of a show! Aj deserved it even Eve's face showed that she thought Aj should have win! The bellas were fucking horrible on the mic and they didn't sound happy or proud to win it it just seemed like they didn't care. This such a disgrace to all the women's work to build a new division! EVE, AJ, KAITLYN! THIS IS BS!! Still so fucking mad!

This is rigged. With the fanbase AJ has and her obvious dominance over the year it's completely impossible for The Bellas to outvoted her.

It was rigged because Daniel Bryan was Superstar of the year, so Brie must be diva of the year and Why? To be the couple of the year *vomit*

Imma Shoot Soneone!

[Burke]

It's still real to them.

[Deleted]

I still love the IGN weekly review of all things wrestling:

"Anyhow. Bryan. They like him. All over, sure, but most certainly in Seattle. And it got to the point where Cena had to pull Bryan out from the background and use his mega-popularity to get himself over. In fact, I'm surprised more guys didn't try to put hands on Bryan. You know, rub his belly for luck. Stroke his beard. Just to be Bryan-adjacent. In all honesty, as much as I loved it, I don't think Bryan laughing the whole time helped his standing. Politically, I mean. I'm sure he was genuinely pleased by the outpouring of affection (coupled with the fact that it was throwing a wrench into the mechanism that was currently burying him), but I feel like his goofy grin only made Hunter more angry. In fact, I'm surprised President Snow didn't order some of the people in the crowd to be dragged off and shot."

EDIT: One more I gotta add..

RybAxel: Cure your acne, settle your bowels, alleviate lower back pain. Side effects include: Pink Eye, Lack of Charisma.

[Mutant Couch]

I didn't know where else to put this. I don't even understand this. I think it might be in code or something.

"Jackie groans as two big fingers into the ring with CM Punk, dressed in light blue bottoms and a sleeveless trench coat and wrestling boots with a laugh. He leaned foward, licking. Striker wearing tan colored slacks with a strong, steady thrust. Zack Ryder and Curt Hawkins, dressed in a firm tone before she presses her lips around Matt’s cock and she extends her left heeled boot. However settling down meant finding jobs, they were rarely in the car door for Mickie."

wrestlesex.tumblr.com/

Actually, it comes off a lot like when I just tried using internet translators to do my Spanish homework. Still, my favorite part is the random Hulk Hogan.

[Deleted]

I agree with this. I just hate that Velvet was dragged down with him. ):

[Brandon]

Spread my ashes @ rainbow grease stains.

[Deleted]

While skimming through youtube comments. This one falls under the dumb category:

The releases were planned in 2009. So they did nxt divas to replace a diva each year. Kaitlyn replaced Mickie. AJ replaced Michelle. And Naomi replaced Beth. While we have aksana and Cameron waiting to eventually replace Alicia and Natalya. And Eva Marie and jojo to replace eve, and Layla. then the bellas eventually. Then no senior divas at all by 2015.

.... what?

[Deleted]

[Burke]

So I showed my brother the part of John and Nikki by the sunset of the new Total Divas promo

and how they say “is he going to propose?”

then my brother says,”He’s probably just going to tell her he got another title shot.”

I CAN’T.





Nikki Bella: *Stops Cena from leaving* John, if your Dad dies, his last words were for you to marry me. *Cena glares then goes in the ambulance*





Brie: You go out there and help Bryan or else I’m telling Nikki to get a reduction!
*Cena’s music plays and Cena runs to the ring*





John Cena: *Wakes up from the Superman punch* What happened?

Nikki Bella: You were about to propose to me.

John Cena: Oh. Okay. I-WAAAAAIT A MINUTE!

[Burke]

Cena that's your fault for being paranoid. Who the fuck uses the bathroom with the door open. Of course creepy niggas gonna be peeping in.

Creepin in the bathroom? Rowan trying to peep what Nikki’s always talking about…

"next week bray wyatt will be found in the ring wearing a fruity pebbles box on his head"

John Cena would make an attractive lamb.